


friday night placebo

by kishere



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn, Writer!Phil, actor!dan, youtuber!Phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-05-16 15:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 38,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19320694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kishere/pseuds/kishere
Summary: Phil Lester never thought that he was going to be here in his life: successful, healthy, a little lonely, and helping produce his own Netflix show. Dan Howell, YouTube fanboy and food aficionado, just wants to get a job in television acting. One audition could help both of their problems.voted 3rd place, Most Memorable in the 2019 phanficawards on tumblr





	1. i'’ll bury it deep in my broken phone screen

Phil Lester wasn’t sure how he got here in his life.

Not in a bad way; he was actually doing okay in a way that eighteen or twenty-two or even twenty-five year old him never would have imagined in his wildest dreams. He was thirty, a moderately successful ( _yeah_ , he heard his brother’s voice say in the back of his head, _if you consider your first published novel getting picked up by Netflix for a television show only moderately successful, sure_ ) novelist and YouTuber, and he was about to walk into the headquarters of Netflix.

He was currently jetlagged, having taken the cheapest flight he could from London, which left at a ridiculous hour of the night the day before. He had landed with enough time to throw his stuff in the hotel room and take a short nap since it had been impossible to get comfortable on the airplane because of his long legs. After the little nap at the hotel, the two hours feeling like nothing on his itchy eyes, he embarked on a trip to the closest Starbucks before heading to the casting headquarters Netflix kept in LA.

He was sitting on the front steps of the building, his fringe hiding a good portion of his face,  waiting a few minutes before going in since he was a tad early and trying not to panic. He had pressed most of this down over the past two months, chalking the nervous butterflies in his stomach and the constant headaches up to excitement and tiredness as opposed to being nervous. But now that he was here, now this was actually happening and not just being talking in circles between his lawyer and Martyn and Netflix’s lawyer and Stella, he felt the weight of what he was about to do settle over him like soggy jeans on a warm day.

For a writer he really was shit at metaphors.

He decided that he needed to calm down before going inside of the building and for him, his down time consisted of creating videos for YouTube and ‘talking’ (in a way) to his fans online. He decided that the easiest way would be by updating his Instagram story for the first time in a week, nerves and last minute travel plans taking up all of his spare time. He didn’t normally go dark and mysterious like this (him publishing his novel was a different story)  but he still wasn’t allowed to officially say that Netflix had purchased the cinematic rights to his movie just yet, so he took a picture of the matcha green tea latte sat between his red Converses, his corgi socks displayed on his ankles that peaked out from under his jeans and added a poll of who enjoyed matcha (he was insistent on trying every new feature Instagram released at least once, including polls, weird filters, and the new stickers) and figured he hadn’t done anything too incriminating like geotag where he was at.

He drank about half of the latte before he felt calm enough to go into the building, speed walking in to ensure he would arrive right on time to meet the representative from Netflix. After a short tour around the building, being amazed by all the windows and bold, graphic graffiti all over the walls, he was directed into a small hallway, which felt so odd in the mostly open floor plan of the building but he guessed eventually you needed to support the building with walls. The office the receptionist lead him to, however, was just as bright as the pink mural in the middle of the building. On the bright blue walls, one half was decorated in what seemed like hundreds of pictures and figurines galore, while the other was a little more utilitarian except for the patched jacket on the chair and the Thor Funko Pop on the desk. The rep turned out to be an annoyed looking girl with blue hair who chewed gum like it was her job.

“Honestly I was assuming that I was going to have to run and get you a coffee, so I guess thanks for doing part of my job,” she said as she inspected her nails, popping a bubble in the silence that followed. Phil took a sip of his latte because it would be just his luck that he got the one grumpy co-worker. He remembered a series he used to do a while back where he would talk about the interesting and sometimes bizarre people he would run into in his life and wondered if after it was announced that he was working with Netflix, it would be terrible to do a skit based on this exact interaction.

“Hey, Tater Tot, be nice,” a guy from the desk next to hers whisper yelled at her, making Tati roll her eyes even harder.

“I’ve told you before my name is Tati, not tater tot, Noel,” she said with a huff before turning back to Phil. “You ready to head over to the theatre? It’s a kind of boring car ride but it will give you time to kind of learn about the process.”

“Yeah. I’m actually really excited,” Phil said, staring at the multiple files in Tati’s hands before they were shoved into a beat up black backpack littered with patches to match the jacket. “I’ve never got to see how this is done.”

“Well lucky for you, you’re just looking at the ones that Noel and I,” she paused as Noel waved at Phil, “thought might fit what you were looking for. The original casting call took forever, but a lot of people were excited when we leaked the script portions for each character. So many non disclosure agreements. ”

“Why so many NDAs,” Phil asked, tilting his head a little to the side, confused. He had been confused about Netflix wanting to keep _Ghostly Things_ so underwraps for as long as they had. If people were auditioning, it meant that it was time for them to let people start talking about, right? Maybe not release everything but at least say “in the works”.

“Netflix wants everything to be a bit more… settled with a business plan before announcing our collaboration, what with the upheaval of Disney leaving. They’re scared that with Disney leaving, we’re going to have to be good on our own merit and shows again.  It’s just taking a little longer than we had anticipated, but since we’re finally finalizing cast members, we’re hoping that after the first table reading we can _finally_ announce this Netflix original at least,” Tati said, looking over Phil’s shoulder at the door, as if she was making sure that no one walked in while she was quietly talking about Netflix’s business plan.

“You’re just impatient super fan,” Noel said, butting in. “I would have been there today Phil, can I call you Phil, but I’m working on a casting call for two other shows.”  

“Please call me Phil. It’s totally fine; everyone gets busy. I’m sure the ones you two chose are going to be great,” Phil said, reaching out to shake Noel’s hand. It must be nice to work for Netflix, Phil thought. The atmosphere wasn’t as competitive as he thought it was going to be coming in here and the office itself was super personalized. But maybe Phil was biased; he never had to do the intern job he was offered after university since his YouTube channel had started to take off around that time. “And I do want to thank you. I know I was a bit demanding.”

Tati snorted before standing up, having retrieved a few more files and a water bottle from below her desk.

“I’ll say. But at least it made cutting down people a bit easier on our end so there’s a lot to be said for being meticulous.”

Did Phil say thank you for the backhanded compliment or you’re welcome? Phil legitimately didn’t know.

“I’m sorry,” is what he finally decided on, his voice betraying his confusion. Maybe his mum was right and he was becoming a bit too reclusive for his own good. Phil had always argued that between writing his novel (which turned into relearning how to write for a screenplay, which turned into writing his own screenplay) and filming, he still found enough time to hang out with his friends, but he knows it’s been a while since he’s gone out and met new people. He hadn’t even gone on tour when his book had released, preferring to stay at home and answer questions on a few different live streams instead. But it was moments like these where he was taken aback by too much sarcasm and boldness that Phil thought maybe his mother was right.

“Forgiven,” Tati said as she slung the backpack over one shoulder and gave a soft pat to the top of the Eleven funkopop. “Noel, don’t burn the building down. I’ll be back eventually.”

“Ay ay cap,” Noel said lazily with a two finger salute, before scrolling back to what Phil assumed were open files on his computer.

“C’mon,” Tati said as she started to head out to the door. Phil stumbled after her after a quick wave to Noel who gave a distracted one back, his eyes barely leaving the screen in front of him.

On the way over to the theatre, which Phil wished he would have taken some nausea medication for, Tati drove calmly. The volume she used when she did talk was also much different than in the office; more quiet and less clipped. It was like Noel had put her on edge for some reason. She still blew and popped bubbles which Phil couldn’t fault her for and the sound occasionally going off in the car was almost rhythmic and soothing.

Arriving at the parking garage near the theatre though was easily one of the top ten moments of Phil’s life. He could have kissed the ground, but he settled for slowly stretching and looking at the line of people in front of the building as they approached it. These people were here for him; they were here because he wrote something and they wanted to try and bring that story to life or at least act and thought his story sounded interesting enough.  As they walked by, he gave a wave to the crowd which made the group closest to the front let out a cheer. Phil’s upper body lurched back slightly, not expecting such an immediate reaction from at least twenty people.

Tati paused and whispered “Conspicuous.”

“I try,” Phil said back, a little dry which made Tati let out a little snort.

They walked through the door after Tati showed the security guard her lanyard, proving Phil and her were supposed to be there, before being set up in the front row of the theatre.

“Okay, Phil, this is Stella, our director, who you already know” Tati said, gesturing to a woman to her left with a nose piercing and extremely curly hair, who waved at Phil. Phil beamed and waved back, happy to finally meet her in the flesh instead of on Skype calls, lengthy emails, and google docs to hash out the script since Phil wasn’t as well versed in writing screen-plays apart from the scribbles he would use before he filmed a skit for YouTube. “And then this is Todd from our productions department.”

Phil stuck his hand out to Todd, whose name sounded familiar from all the going around for the past few months, but he didn’t talk to him as much as he probably should have personally. Martyn probably had though because Todd didn’t look as put out about a first introduction as Phil was expecting him to be.

“Hey man, it’s good to finally meet you. I know Stella’s been hogging you all to herself with the writing but I am a huge fan of your work. Both writing and YouTube. It’s amazing to meet you Phil,” Todd said with a beam which made Phil laugh at the usual play on his YouTube screen play. He’s heard it for ten years now and he imagined that AmazingPhil would somehow make it on to his gravestone too.

“Okay, you guys are _punderful_ but this leads into asking what your favorite YouTube video ever is,” Phil asked, figuring an ice breaker would be good for everyone since they were going to spend the next 10 to 12 hours together and then the rest of the week hashing out their final picks.

“Easy. The Jeffree Star series with Shane Dawson,” Todd said, which made Phil look closer and notice Todd was wearing a bit of shimmer on his eyelids and his cheekbones. “The vulnerability was...it was pretty raw.”

“Mine is Safiya’s newest one with the edible lipstick cake,” Stella said, not looking up from the screenplay open on the table. “Of course most of her content makes my favorite’s list so I’m biased.”

“What about you Tati,” Phil said, looking at the youngest at the table.

“I...I mostly use YouTube for Vine compilations to be honest,” Tati said, a slight flush going up the back of her neck, like liking something so mainstream was difficult for her to admit. Phil beamed as he pulled one of the first compilations on his home page up one on his phone. He heard the iconic _“Adam”_ before Cameron (who was introduced as Todd’s assistant) came in and announced that according to their schedule, it was time to start letting people in grouped by who was auditioning for what role.

Todd thanked them and said to start letting in anyone auditioning for the mother.

Phil managed to get through auditions for the mothers, the fathers, and the rest of the adults before he felt himself get jittery. While these characters were important, they weren’t the main characters, they weren’t the kids he had spent so much time and energy and literal blood (when he gave himself papercuts) bringing to life. He was so anxious about the auditions for his kids that he wanted to scream as he heard “and _THAT_ in theory is how you would build a radio tower strong enough to project that frequency” in what felt like the same inflection as the last five actors who auditioned before the final Mr. Scofield. 

Phil tried not to cry in relief as he heard Stella ask for a vape break. Instead he got up and stretched, declining the invitation for a cigarette or puff of his own, before slinking out the far door to go to the restroom. His nose wrinkled upon entering, nearly choking on what felt like 10 cans of different aerosol body sprays. 

There wasn’t anyone else in the small bathroom, a small miracle really considering the crowd Phil remembered from out front. It made the few moments of peace really clear his head instead of trying to make pleasant small talk (or avoid it really, but you could never tell if the person weeing next to you would be chatty or not). He popped back into the the area they were sitting and let his hand dive into his bag, pulling out a bag of crisps. When Tati, Stella, and Todd came back in, he offered them some of the crisps not feeling offended when Todd declined since Stella devoured a whole handful in the most dramatic way while Tati ate just two. 

They made some small talk for the rest of the break before Cameron came back and said that it was time to start bringing in people to audition for Lucy. Phil felt his leg start to shake the table because finally, finally he was going to see people start to audition for his babies. He (sometimes) felt weird referring to them as such but these were characters that had been in his head since he was in sixth form and now they were going _to come to life;_ it was surreal. 

After Lucy, it was Jared, Veronica, Heather, and then Travis. Phil was a lot more vocal in these discussions, asking people questions and hoping some of them would answer in character. Some of them tried and he could tell those who had read the original source material versus the short blurbs that had been put together for the people auditioning, answering with tidbits from the book or even things Phil had mentioned in interviews. Some of them didn’t look anything like he had originally imagined the characters looking like, but in a way that made some of their acting that much better, more immersive, more engaging. 

But finally it was time for the auditions for Tyler. Phil would never admit it but Tyler had always been his favorite. He was one of the main characters of the book, and he wasn’t afraid of expressing who he was, even in a small town. Phil wrote Tyler as a way of expressing some of the things he wished he had been able to say in Rawtenstall, wished he could have said after he moved back home after York. It took Phil twenty-five years until he had even a fraction of Tyler’s confidence and every time e wrote him, he felt a piece of himself solidify more into place. So he was excited to see all of the actors who had auditioned and had  made it through. 

The first few were fairly decent, but they didn’t have that oomph that Phil was looking for. He wasn’t the only one that felt that way. Stella, who wrote near whole paragraphs if she felt one way or another about an actor, didn’t really pick up her pen. Tati inspected her nails, seeming like she already knew these ones wouldn’t work. Todd, to be honest, looked aggressively bored but managed to keep a chipper edge to his voice after each person’s audition. Honestly it seemed like a fog until Tyler #7 stepped on stage. 

Unlike almost every other actor, he wasn’t wearing the teal and red windbreaker (Tyler’s signature jacket) zipped up to his neck. Instead his was unzipped, showing off a Muse shirt underneath. His brown hair was straight, cutting across his forehead, and he had a hoop in his ear that glinted under the stage lights. It also brought out the freckles that dotted his face. He looked… not nervous, but like he wasn’t as confident as the others who had come out on stage had been. He kept looking at Phil and looking away, which oh. That had happened a few times today but it wasn’t with someone who was auditioning as _Tyler_. 

“Hello,” the boy on stage said with a wave, the articulate Southern English accent rolling over Phil’s shoulders like a blanket across your lap on a front porch on a cold day. “My name is Dan Howell and I’m reading for Tyler today.” 

“Thank you Dan,” Todd said, already sounding a little bored; it was at least the 70th time that he had heard someone introduce themselves in the past few hours. Phil leaned forward though as Dan started to speak the monologue that had been assigned as Tyler. Phil noticed Stella also leaned forward with interest, pen already in hand to make notes. It took Dan a few seconds to start, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. But the changes were noticeable and immediate; his entire posture changed from nervous to defensive 

“I don’t...I don’t care,” Dan said, his voice starting off soft and growing louder with emotion. His fist clenched at his side and Phil noticed how his fingernails had a slight glitter on them. “I don’t care if you don’t like him, dad.” 

“I’m not giving up on finding out what happened to Travis. Because something did happen to him even if you and every fucking adult in this town is denying it. He,” Dan said, his voice pitching as he turned to the side, rubbing at his eyes, a rosy patch appearing on his cheek, “is my best friend. _My best friend_ . I didn’t have a best friend for the first 18 years of my life and I’m not abandoning him _now_.”

Dan paused here for a moment, letting out a tearless sob, and Phil thought he had forgotten his lines for a panicked minute and his heart went out to him. He looked so young. Was this his first audition? Was that why- 

“I’m not abandoning the ones I love. I’m not going to be like you, dad,” Dan hissed the last part, his finger held up accusatory, looking upwards as if staring up at someone taller than him before bringing it down with a harsh _fwoosh_ from his windbreaker. “So excuse me while I go try to find my friend.” 

Phil had let himself relax as Dan proved he hadn’t forgotten his lines. He just had a more theatrical way of reading than a television show would normally do. But Phil was more interested in this actor than he had been in the past six so he already knew that he was going to put Dan on his short list. 

“So-um. That was me,” Dan said, his hands going behind his back as he tapped his foot on the stage for a few moments. Phil wanted to ask him everything. Had he always performed on stage? Was this his first television audition? Instead of that he made a grabby hand for the folder that Todd was holding that contained Dan’ information. 

“So, Muse,” Phil asked as he read through the file Todd had handed him, reading about how Dan studied and performed in London until moving to LA about a year ago. He learned that despite his very youthful appearance he was twenty-six years old. Dan looked like he wasn’t expecting Phil to talk to him, or even still be there really. 

“Yeah. _Simulation Theory_ was good, but it’s not my favorite album,” Dan said, “ _Origin of Symmetry_ is obviously the best.” 

“Solid choice,” Phil said with a smile, agreeing wholeheartedly.  “Did any of their songs inspire you when you were reading through for Tyler?”

Dan, who had looked confused upon Phil commenting on his shirt, suddenly looked at Phil a little like he had been put on the spot but his face slowly split into a nervous smile.

“Erm...actually music in general inspired Tyler for me. “New Born by Muse is on my Tyler playlist actually along with some David Bowie, Queen, and The Who. I also have some Paramore on there and some MCR. The playlist for Tyler is actually what I was listening to before I came in to audition today. Music really inspires me.”

Phil nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly because Tyler was a character that was known for listening to his walkman a lot, the headphones usually hanging around his neck.

“So, besides music, what else inspires you for Tyler,” Stella asked, leaning forward. 

Dan looked away from Phil and looked at Stella.

“Um. Is it cheesy if I say Tyler,” Dan said with a nervous laugh, but at least he was trying to own the character,  “Actually it’s super cheesy, I know, but when I first wa- read the book, Tyler made me feel just a little less alone in the world, like there were other people like me out there. Like… he actually was able to make it out of something that wasn’t okay or good, and he was able to change what happened to him. I just… it was something I needed at a hard point in my life.” Dan ended the statement by rubbing his hand through the back of his hair and oh.

Phil had realized that he had given up a lot of personal interaction with his fans when he had decided not to do the tour, but he didn’t realize the full extent, that he had given up moments _like this_. Moments where he could watch people’s body language as they reacted to his words and stories and see it in their eyes and body how much his stories helped them.

Tati nodded, looking more interested,  and asked some questions about Dan’s education back in London while Todd asked Dan about his experience here in California. Dan relaxed as he talked to Tati and Todd,  looking more confident talking about his schooling than he had talking to Stella or Phil.

“It’s been tough to be honest. Television is a lot different than theatre but the auditions have been fun. None of them have been for an Amazing… an amazing opportunity as this,” Dan said, a nervous look coming back across his face as he stumbled over the word amazing.

Phil wanted to know why using amazing made him stutter.

“Well Daniel,” Todd said, “it’s been lovely.”

“It has,” Dan agreed, shooting one more look at Phil, giving the whole table a wave before leaving.

Phil let out the breath he had been holding because it really had been lovely seeing Dan perform. He kept thinking about it as he watched the other Tylers performed but his mind kept drifting back to the way Dan’s face had a rosy patch or the way his gestures showed off his thin wrists and just all the little things that made Phil think of the Tyler in his head. He knew it was naive to get so fixated on one actor without considering the others but he just knew it down in his gut that this actor was it for that character; it was the most definitive he had felt all day as he learned bits and pieces from Stella and Tati during the process.

Once final actor had auditioned for the day, they took an hour long break to order some Chinese food for take away before sitting down to talk over all the choices from earlier. There was a thirty minute debate about who would play Travis, which then made choosing the parents easier, trying to look for actors who looked close to the actor. They did all the actors this way until they got to Tyler, where Phil was pleasantly surprised that Stella was on the same page as him as far as finding Dan to be a great, the only choice, for Tyler. Tati seemed hesitant more than anything, while Todd seemed set to being contrary just to be contrary.

“I don’t know. He seems fine but it’s not like he’s a Noah Centineo. He’s so nervous,” Tati argued.

“Well I don’t want a Noah Centineo,” Phil said, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning back into his chair. “I want a Tyler Ulreich. And Dan is… he’s the vision of him.”

“He’s a dime a dozen twink; we can find anyone who has that same look to him,” Todd said as he looked over his nails. He had a bit more fight to him than Phil originally thought, which wasn’t a bad thing, it just wasn’t what Phil wanted to deal with this late at night while jet lagged.

“But he wouldn’t have the same soul as this “dime a dozen twink”,” Stella said, cutting in, her voice dripping sarcasm on the last part of the sentence, fingers coming up to do finger quotations. “I’m with Phil. When I imagined Tyler, I see him as someone very close to Dan. Mannerisms included and, maybe it’s selfish, but he’d be a dream to shoot.”

Tati hesitated and looked at Phil.  

“Are you positive he’s the one?”

Phil looked back at Tati and beamed, nodding enthusiastically, his fringe coming dislodged from the severe emo part he had it in and blocking out portions of his eyesight.

“I’m positive. He’s the one I want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was super inspired by phil stating he has a couple ideas he wouldn't mind turning into a book. I took it a step further. if you want another fic in this same vein of writer!phil turning his book into another media, check out [and we're out here in plain sight](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/PEspringficexchange/works/18860218) by liquidsky.


	2. ten minutes later, repetitive lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes the day to day can change

Daniel Howell wasn’t sure how he got here in life.

He was about 95% sure it was a genetic mutation along with the depression and the ability to look like a stretched out hobbit when he didn’t straighten his hair. He was 26 and still the same fanboy he had been at seventeen, twenty-one, and twenty-five. It was a Sunday evening, and he was trying to relax in the literal walk in closet he rented for cheap from someone in Los Angeles. His headphones were in so that way he wouldn’t disturb Jaime and he greedily drank in the sight of Phil Lester on screen, waving. 

“Hi guys,” came the cheerful Northern accent that Dan thought had sounded so much better in person. The reminder that he had seen Phil in person made his face heat up because... everything... about Phil seemed better in person. Dan scowled momentarily before listening to Phil exclaim on screen how he was going to try doing a couple of Instagram hacks and see if they worked. 

He didn’t remember seeing Phil emote this much with his body at the audition, Dan though idly before groaning into his pillow.

He needed to get himself under control; it hadn’t been a private, intimate moment when they had met. They hadn’t even been within five feet of each other since Dan had decided standing in the center of the stage would be his best chance to be seen by everyone instead of standing at the very edge of the stage and forcing the people making LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS to crane their necks. But the way Phil had spoken, excited to be talking about Muse and…

Dan shook his head vigorously as he tried to get his brain to focus on the new video or really anything other than the way he had botched the audition. It had been nearly two weeks since he had auditioned and he was starting to lose faith that he had gotten the dream role of Tyler Ulreich. However, this video was cheering him up, just a little bit especially as he watched Phil douse himself in what had to be a repulsive smell of vinegar and rotten (preserved? Dan wasn’t a scientist) egg. Not because he wished ill on Phil; the reaction on his face with just priceless.

“The guy in the video just going ‘lee lee lee’, squeezing away,” Phil said, looking around, pausing to imitate the guy from the original video which made Dan bark out a laugh before giving a guilty look at the door, hoping he hadn’t woken Jaime up. When he didn’t hear any disturbances from the room that was separated by a mere bathroom, he unpaused the video to continue watching, managing to get through the rest of the video without cracking a rib from the suppressed laughter. 

When the video ended, he closed out of the YouTube app, opened up Tumblr and Twitter, figuring he should reply to the tweet that Phil had sent out when the video was uploaded. 

 

‘ _how do you keep getting such great ideas! this is the best video you’ve released this year_ ’ 

 

Dan looked it over before deleting the whole tweet and closing out of the app. It’s not like Phil had answered over the last nine years; today would probably not change anything. Hell, Phil might block him after his terrible audition and no Dan, not today. Your therapist would not be happy about you spiraling like this since you aren’t looking at the facts of the situation. You don’t know you didn’t get it, and even if you didn’t, you don’t know how bad you did. So no more moping! Time to grab life by the titballs start putting out feelers for any other auditions going around before you’re stuck working at whatever weird pornshop slash leather store that would hire you.

Dan groaned as his phone lit up with a notification before he noticed it was from his professional email. The one he used for his theatre and (so far miserable) television auditions since no one should have to look at the personal one he had put together on a whim at fourteen. Yes, he had two different emails (well, technically four emails, including some for tumblrs that he hoped would never see the light of day) because he didn’t need someone to ask him about being on fire for the five millionth time. 

He nervously pushed his hair back from head as he opened the email from his agent. His agent was a friend of one of his professors from school and most days Dan felt ambivalent towards Gerald, mainly because Dan had yet to get any work that stuck. Lots of leads, no job. But at least if this email had a job lead he would know definitively that he hadn’t gotten the job from _Ghostly Things_.  


_Dan,_

_If you have time this week, please come in to talk; sooner is better. I have great news about Ghostly Things that would be better to discuss in person._

_Gerald_

 

Great.

 

News.

 

Great news.

 

Gerald had great news.

 

For him.

 

Daniel James Howell had great news meant for him. 

 

“Holy shit,” Dan whispered out loud, “Holy fucking shit."

He was vibrating in place, unable to do anything drastic without waking up Jaime but, honestly, a part of him wanted to. Dan wanted to because this was the culmination of two years of hard work: moving to San Francisco, realizing that was a mistake because no actors lived there, moving to LA, going to auditions day after day after day and working nights at the adult store down the street, slogging through all of it and now he had the words “great news” to make all of it worth it. He had the great news that he might have something to do with an AmazingPhil television show. He wanted to share it with the world and scream it from the mountain tops and message his mum and wake up his roommate just to immediately share the news with someone. Instead of waking up Jaime however, he lifted his legs off the bed and did some excited leg kicks as quietly as he could because it’s the only way he was able to let out out all the excitement he’s been squishing down for the past two minutes. 

After a few leg dabs for good measure, Dan pulled up his work schedule on his phone, figuring he should find a day that he’s working later so he can meet up with Gerald immediately after getting off a shift, that way he could just come home and crash instead of tricking his body into mere moments of comfort before trying to catch a bus and make his way back out into the world. He reopened up his email and sent off a response to Gerald, trying to channel all the nonchalance he possessed in his body. 

 

_Gerald,_

_I have time on Tuesday and Thursday after 10 am. Let me know which day works better for you. I’m excited to hear what the news is._

_Thank you,_

_Dan_

  


It’s easy for Dan, for the first time in a while, to fall asleep that night.

  
  
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Waking up the next morning, Dan felt like he was waking up from a dream. The best dream, but a dream nonetheless. He checked his email immediately upon waking up the next morning, pleasantly surprised to see that Gerald had already responded, saying that Tuesday would work best for him. That meant Dan just had to get through a day and then a shift before he got to hear the news. He was vibrating in excitement throughout the day, for once wishing he had an actual room with space to spread out and pace if he needed to. Close to eight at night, after a whole day of playing videos games, he finally rolled out of bed. He took a quick shower (god, the first thing he was doing when he got his own place was taking a three hour bath at his leisure with the Lush bath bombs he had been eyeing for months) before getting ready for work. 

Dan’s thoughts on his job varied from day to day. Some days he felt okay with the fact he worked at a 24 hours sex shop. He was able to have the night shift and the ability to wear whatever he wanted. It was fun to people watch sometimes. However, tonight? Tonight he thought of the shift as a necessary evil he needed to get through in order to go to the meeting in the morning. 

He was proven right about it being evil, when he finally clocked out from his shift the next morning, the night feeling like it had aged him five years. There were a few groups of men,  who stared a little too long and uncomfortably at him and other patrons in the store, nudging each other and laughing loudly at whatever comment someone would make. His head felt split open by the multiple groups of drunk girls stumbling in and giggling high pitched about how they were being “so naughty” by doing this. Dan ended the shift feeling uncomfortable because a few different people outright propositioned him at work and he wished he could go home to shower, to wash the emotional grime of the evening off of him. 

He only started to feel a bit better as he slipped into the employees bathroom to change into the other shirt he had brought in his backpack, feeling the shift slip away as the shirt left his body. It was just a plain black t-shirt, but in this moment, it felt like a Louis Vuitton original. He messed around in front of the mirror, checking his brown fringe for any splits and making sure he didn’t have any spots on his face. He wasn’t trying to be vain necessarily but he did want to make sure he didn’t look like someone who felt their soul be drained overnight or give anyone any reason to snatch whatever great news away from him. 

He was kind of catastrophizing but until proven otherwise, no one could prove this “great news”  wasn’t an elaborate prank being pulled on him. 

He popped out of the bathroom, waved at the opener (who was doing inventory on the cheap vibrating rings they had at the front counter), and walked out into the morning sunshine of Los Angeles. He winced at first before deciding that he needed coffee. Normally he was a tea drinker but after the night he had, he just wanted to feel awake enough for the meeting he was about to go into. He decided to forgo the coffee shop he frequented when he could by his house and decided that the Starbucks right down the street was just as good as any coffee shop at the moment when his brain desperately craved caffeine. Sure, they had gimmicky drinks, but who said that he wasn’t allowed to just enjoy a macchiato there? 

He ducked into the store front and blinked, resisting the urge to take a step back at the sheer amount of people that were in the coffee shop. He had forgotten how many people would come up en masse for their early morning coffee and tea, having been on the night shift for the past year and a half. It wasn’t often that he needed to stay up immediately after a shift and when he did, he usually would just stop at the quieter cafe by his apartment. However, that was across town from where he was and where he needed to be, so he got in line behind the two women in athleisure wear, sweatpants tight and one wearing a visor. Dan eyed the visor but thought that it was a look he would never able to pull off.

The line took a while to move and Dan had become thoroughly dazed by the time the ladies in front of him had ordered, working on autopilot. It took him a few seconds to be pulled from his own little world and actually order. He flubbed the size he wanted twice, deciding that today was a day that he was going to spring for a venti instead of a tall. He moved off to the side, staring intently at the counter to wait for his drink to appear.  His mind returned to his shift, trying to remember everything he had done, hoping he hadn’t forgotten anything as part of his closing routine, when he heard his name called, immediately followed by someone else. He went up to the counter and went to grab his drink when it was snatched from right in front of him. 

“Oi,” Dan exclaimed with some indignation, turning to look at whoever had stolen his drink. Dan knew that on any day where he had had more than three hours of sleep, he probably wouldn’t have been as confrontational. But he hadn’t slept, he’d just had the shift from hell, and he had waited patiently behind Jessica and Becky chatting about the most mundane shit to get his overpriced caramel macchiato. He would fight (or at least stammer awkwardly) for that little bright spot in a cup after the past twelve hours. “I’m sorry mate but I don’t think that’s yours.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s mine. I had a caramel macchiato,” the drink stealing thief said in a voice that Dan would know if he was kidnapped and had to accurately guess one voice in the universe by a wheeze. His eyes flew up, firmly out of his frustrated dream land, and froze in the face of Phil Lester.

Oh no. Oh no. 

He could feel the back of his neck start to heat up, embarrassment flooding over him. Here Dan was, finally close to Phil Lester, and he looked like a complete jerk. He didn’t know how to come back from that so he cleared his throat and tried not to look as mortified as he was. Phil was surely a normal person, somewhere underneath all of the talent and world’s most striking eyes, and had bad days. 

“I uh…,” Dan started smoothly, his voice threatening to crack. His hand came up and gently poked the area on his cup where his name was sloppily written. “This one has my name on it.”

Dan watched as Phil turned the cup so he could read it, before the older man looked back at Dan, his face squishing like he was trying to remember something. He handed the cup to Dan, reaching around Dan for an identical cup on this counter, a sloppy Phil written on the side. Dan shivered as he inhaled and smelt the clean smell of Phil’s body wash cut through the coffee hanging thick in the air with how close Phil was in his space. 

“Dan... Daniel… Howl…  Howells? No s, you’re Howell. I knew you looked familiar,” Phil said, giving a smile like he had been given the lotto numbers early when Dan gave a numb nod at the correct last name. Phil looked like a small child who was pleased at being told they were very clever and it was hard for Dan not to feel his heart double time at it. He was concentrating on the way that his chest was tightening because Phil Lester, AmazingPhil, had remembered his last name. Kind of. 

“Yes. Yeah, that’s me. I prefer Dan though. Sorry about the feral response for touching my coffee,” Dan apologized, still staring until he heard a loud cough to his left, making him take a step to the side. He was a bit surprised when Phil (was that too informal? No, he felt confident he could call him Phil since that’s how he introduced himself in videos) stepped to the side with him, looking intent to finish a conversation. Dan took a sip of the caramel macchiato as he looked Phil over, taking in the black skinny jeans and a red Sunnydale High School shirt, which made Dan’s stomach flip because he had only seen that in videos and livestreams and it always looked so soft and worn in. It was clearly a favorite of Phil’s from the way there was a part of the shoulder that looked more worn that the rest of the tee-shirt as if he rubbed his hand there often.

“It’s okay , we all have those days,” Phil said with a chuckle, breaking Dan away from staring as intently as he had been at Phil’s shoulder. “I know last week someone tried to talk to me before my coffee and they were looking at me like I was speaking another language. I may have been.”

Dan laughed and nodded. “I have a lot of those days, but today was just a special day I guess. 

“Glad to have witnessed the rare sight of a feral Howell then. Rare and majestic,” Phil joked back before taking his own sip, letting out a pleased exhale. Dan felt his heart constrict in a way he couldn’t describe but it was something that brought him back to his first set of Uni days, back when he still thought being a lawyer would be a good fit. He would watch Phil vlog or listen to him livestream and feel a sense of _recognition_ seeing Phil be so unashamedly himself. Someone else that was going through weird life events and had awkward moments and was willing to share that with the world. 

“I mean...those are two adjectives,” Dan joked, a bit more self-deprecating than he wanted to be but didn’t know how else to try and brush off the fluttery feelings of being called rare and majestic by Phil Lester. He knew it wasn’t anything deeper than being compared to a wild animal but it still was a moment that Dan would treasure for a few weeks during some of his bad days. 

“Two apt adjectives; I remember your audition,” Phil said with a soft smile before swearing quietly. Dan turned around and saw the giant clock behind him moving closer to 9 am. “Sorry Dan, I’m going to be late to a meeting. But I’ll see you soon...hopefully?”

Dan felt like he had been sucker punched. This was beginning to feel a bit too real and not like the dream he had convinced himself he had been walking in over the past few days. Phil Lester thought he might actually be seeing him? Or was he just trying to be polite? Dan nodded his head numbly, sticking out a hand at the last minute.

“It was a pleasure, Phil,” Dan choked out, wincing at how dry his throat sounded at just the bare minimum amount of contact with Phil. Phil shook his hand and Dan was surprised at how cold he felt but he figured it’s because his senses were kicked into overdrive, focused on to the one point of contact he may never receive again. 

“Same. See you soon, feral Howell,” Phil said with a grin, his tongue poking out before he hurried out of the Starbucks. 

Dan’s hand felt clammy. Because there it was again, Phil mentioning seeing Dan again. Dan having the part may not be a joke or an impossibility because Phil Lester mentioned seeing him again _TWICE_. His thoughts kept circling back to the fact that Phil had sounded so sure of it, like it was an inevitability, not an empty promise like his brain was also trying to tell him it was. 

Dan finally snapped out of it when he was jostled by an older woman in business attire, realizing he had zoned out for a minute. He shook his head  and gave a mumbled apology before moving out of the way of the drink pickup area, deciding it was time to start walking to Gerald’s office. 

The office was only a few blocks from the Starbucks and his therapist had recommended walking more. Dan had mentioned in his previous session that when he went for walks, his brain would go soft and quiet instead of screaming at him from hundreds of different directions. The walk had the desired effect. After his short walk, his brain was much more open to accepting ideas instead of staying in the vicious loop of Dan feeling hopeless versus feeling hopeful. The building Gerald ran his business out of was a cramped place that at one point could have been apartments but had been renovated into a makeshift office building in an attempt to bring “more business to the area”. There were a couple others that rented space but Dan was pretty sure that Gerald was the only talent agent that rented there… well, besides the guy in the apartment next to Gerald that Dan was 95% sure was a casting agent for porn, but he could live without a definitive answer for the rest of his life on that. He hit the buzzer at the front door and waited for Gerald’s assistant to buzz him up, sipping at his lukewarm coffee.

The secretary waved as Dan walked through the unlocked door, the secretary’s head tilted as he talked on the phone and typed at the same time. Dan waved back a little late, her attention already back on the screen. He walked  to Gerald’s office, which Dan was pretty sure used to be a master bedroom in its past life, and gave a light tap on the door after a few seconds of hoping he wasn’t interrupting anything important. 

“Come in,” a deep voice on the other side answered. Gerald was a man that liked to joke that he had a voice and face made for radio and that’s what made him a better talent agent than an actor, which always made Dan hesitate with how to answer. Was he supposed to agree? Disagree? Instead he would simply nod and try desperately to change the topic. Gerald cleared his throat as he beckoned Dan into the room, pointing at the chair in front of his desk.  “How are you doing Daniel?”

Dan debated being passive, a forced cool, about the whole thing but instead he gave a nervous laugh as he sat down. “Honestly, I’m kind of nervous about the news you said you had. I mean, I know you said great news but the mind does what the mind does.”

Gerald hummed in idle agreement as he bent over to dig into a filebox under his desk. “I don’t know why you would be nervous. I told you it was great; you got the part, pending a table reading with everyone involved in the show and going over the preliminary contract they sent over. It’s a good sign if they already sent a contract prior to a table reading, it means that you have someone there really impressed.”

_He said it so easily_ , Dan thought as he tried to breathe right. He got the part. He got the part of Tyler and he felt his eyes burning with unshed happy tears because finally, _finally_ , he had some validation that everything he had been doing wasn’t for nothing. He hadn’t been delusional in thinking he could make it as old as he was. The hours and amount of auditions hadn’t been useless. “I... I got it?" 

Gerald paused and a soft smile overtook his old face. “You got it. I promise.”

Dan nodded, he eyes burning a little more and no, he needed to stop this. He was actually just so, so happy he didn’t even know how to react. If he was alone, he would be cheering, jumping up and down on his bed (provided Jaime wasn’t home). He would be calling his mum and telling her about how it all worked out and she could finally be really proud of him now. Instead he was nodding, doing his best imitation of a well adjusted adult, staring at the relatively light contract Netflix sent over to Gerald that was sitting on the desk.

“I… thank you. Thank you for telling me about the audition,” Dan said with a sniffle, his cheeks feeling like they were going to burst from how hard he was smiling. 

“Of course. It’s going to be worth it for me when your first paycheck comes,” Gerald said with a loud laugh, making Dan burst out with laughter too. It was preferable to crying, even if the tears were happy tears. “You want to look over the contract now or wait until after the table reading?”

“Now is fine. I want to know what I’m getting into,” Dan said as Gerald began reading the contract out loud, pausing to explain what some of the phrases meant in some places. Dan would have never asked him to, but he appreciated the transparency that Gerald kept with his talent, never trying to trip them up with legal jargon or a badly written contract. Dan followed along, his eyes widening when he finally heard how much Netflix thought he was worth. It wasn’t anything extravagant for a show this big but compared to what he was making, it was like he was getting an outrageous raise. Gerald continued to read on the list of demands set forth by Netflix which included having this be his only, dedicated job. His face kind of crinkled at that, forgetting for a minute about his job at the porn shop. He wasn’t in love with it (more in love with the discount he occasionally took advantage of) but he had figured that maybe he might be able to get away with keeping it as a side job in order to save up money. 

“After you sign this, any of the changes we talked about will be faxed over to Netflix and they’ll get back to us about whether or not they are amendable. After that we will hear back about a table reading and, provided you do just as great as you did at the audition, then they’ll set us up with a filming schedule. Any questions?” Gerald asked as he set down the contract. Dan thought over everything that Gerald had just read, trying not to laugh hysterically because he got the part, _he was signing a contract for a television show with Netflix_ , but ultimately Dan thought everything sounded fair. 

“No… I think I’m ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -mimics dan howell's voice- i'm going to upload once a week
> 
> as usual, i need to thank both [maybeformepersonally](https://maybeformepersonally.tumblr.com/) and [danhowellz](https://danhowellz.tumblr.com/). They've listened to me go back and forth like....a lot...on everything. so thank you guys for listening to me bitch.


	3. a desperate beer in each one of my hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> margaritas and a table read

Phil was tired. Not more than usual, but the past month of writing and editing and flying and filming was starting to make him feel the exhaustion deep in his bones. Currently he was standing around (well, more like leaning against the wall at an angle that was uncomfortable on his shoulders)  waiting for the table reading to begin. He had a hard time with stuff like this, big group gatherings, that reminded him of his earlier years on YouTube where he would go to events and nibble on the meagre offerings until PJ would show up. He had a little plate balanced on one hand that he kept refilling covertly when he thought no one was looking. It wasn’t his fault; they had mini-muffins with chocolate chips in them that kept begging to be eaten.  He had also taken some fruit and a carton of orange juice, just so he could pretend for a moment that the muffins were a treat instead of the main course.

He felt like he should be mingling with the representatives from Netflix or at the very least letting Stella drag him around the room, but he felt like the wall was the only thing keeping him upright. He shut his eyes and let out a quiet hum, resting for a few minutes until the room inevitably become louder as more people joined. Since he wrote the script, Phil and a few other writers from Netflix were going to be taking notes about some of the scenes and seeing if there was anything they needed to add into the writing to punch it up or take away.

Phil was nervous at first about the idea of a table read. More like terrified that this was something that was going to make the whole project go down the drain. He had heard horror stories of projects that were “a sure thing” being turned away after the table reading so he spent more time than was probably necessary panicking about it. He had called his mum last night in order to calm his nerves and hearing her voice had helped, but at the same time he had stayed up later than he wanted to. His anxiety was always high when he was running on little sleep but he would take hearing her chatter on about how her garden was doing compared to sitting alone in a hotel room staring up at the ceiling. 

He watched as people continued to trickle into the room, noticing that most of the actors looked a bit nervous about this. It kind of helped soothe his own worry, figuring they were all in this together now. He made his way over to his assigned seat before chatting with the writers on either side of him, pausing to wave at Tati (with Noel in tow) when she entered the room. Noel waved back, but Tati gave him a two fingered salute instead. Phil smiled and went back to chatting with the writers, asking them how familiar they were with the source material. It made Phil flush a bit, asking that, because it felt like he was trying to sell his book but really he wanted to make sure that the right tone was going to be captured. He felt relieved that both of them had read the book in the past week while the other piped up that he had watched some of Phil’s lives-shows that he had done upon the release of his book, the ones where Phil mentioned what had inspired him to write this and what lens he was hoping the book came across as. Phil felt the nerves about working with them lessen considerably after that admission. He looked up from the conversation, people watching for a moment when he felt his breath catch for a second. 

Sitting almost across from him was Dan, introducing himself to the people on either side of him. His hair was still straight today, a slight fringe falling on his forehead that moved when Dan would shake his head or nod in agreement. He was smiling and when the older woman to his left said something, Dan’s laugh transformed his whole face. Phil swore he could see dimples. How could someone look this good in bad fluorescent lighting? Phil knew he was staring but he couldn’t help it; Dan Howell was handsome. Phil wasn’t “out” online to fans but the people who mattered to him off screen (his family, Ian, PJ, Bryony, and other close friends) knew that he was gay. Well, gay in theory, less so in practice due to the pressure of trying to keep some parts of his life to himself. His popularity had been steadily growing after his book was published, growing to a level that was uncomfortably invasive. He knew about the speculation fans did online whenever he did a collaboration with another YouTuber and it was moments like this (where he got distracted by another male), that he knew made people speculate. His mom always said he had a terrible poker face. He dropped his eyes back down to the script in front of him, looking over the selection of scenes they were going to read over today, when suddenly Todd clapped his hands loudly over the chitchat.

“Hello everybody! Welcome and thank you for coming to the table reading of _Ghostly Things_! We’re all very excited to have you here today since this is going to be one of Netflix’s original TV series in a new era of streaming services originals. It’s something new and bold, and we’re very excited to have Phil Lester working on this with us personally,” Todd said, gesturing to where Phil was sitting. Phil smiled, hoping he didn’t look as on the spot as he felt, and waved at everyone around the table. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to stand or not but luckily Todd continued on. 

“Today we’re going to go through some scenes from episodes one and two; we don’t want to spoil anything ahead of time,” Todd teased, making a few of the actors loudly inhale. 

Phil tried not to laugh at the reaction, instead managing to hide his smile behind a hand as he surveyed the crowd, trying to pick out who had actually read his work ahead of time. He could pick out a few people off the bat who looked way too nervous about what could potentially be happening with the change in media (because yeah, it was very rare that the movie was better than the book), but his eyes were drawn to Dan who was...staring back. He ducked his head to avoid his gaze as Todd got everyone’s attention back on the script instead of whispering about any potential changes. Phil flipped back to the first page of the script and immersed into the world he had created so many years ago.

Well, tried to immerse himself at least. 

Really he spent the whole time writing note after note, pausing only when Stella, Todd, or himself would ask an actor to make a small change and reread a part. Stella was sitting two seats away from Phil and from what he could tell, she was marking up her (well worn) script as much as he was. He squinted to try and see what she was writing but it looked like too much shorthand to try and decipher, especially when one of the writing assistants started to whisper in his ear about wanting to rephrase a piece of dialogue. 

Phil was doing fine until they got to a portion where Tyler was introduced for the first time. He tried not to look too excited at seeing what Dan could do with Tyler in scenes that had multiple people in it, especially with Travis. He knew it was unfair to have a favorite character (and even on the list, Tyler didn’t rank the highest), but Tyler was special to him. He remembers being seventeen and still in the closet, a little in love with his best friend and he didn’t have the past that Tyler did where moving around made him a little jaded to friendships. 

“Hi. Name’s Tyler. So...what is there for fun around here,” Dan asked, his eyes focused on the actor who would be playing his (eventual) best friend in the show, giving and awkward little two finger salute. The accent Dan put on for him was not perfect, but in a way it fit in with the way that Tyler was a character that had travelled from place to place until ending up in a small town where almost no one moved to and nobody ever left. His gaze was head on and staring unashamed at “Travis” (Phil really needed to learn more of the actors’ names), his eyes traveling up and down the other’s face in a way Phil hoped would make it into the final cut. The actor they had chosen for Travis was handsome; blonde hair that picked up red in some angles, really nice cheekbones, and green eyes that made Phil almost feel regretful that he hadn’t written Travis as someone with green eyes.  

“Travis. This is Heather and Veronica.” 

“Vee, you ass,” an actress across the table cut in with a monotone voice. Phil made a note for her to sound warmer on her delivery next time since Veronica wasn’t an ice queen, especially to her own brother. It should have been joking and accompanied with a light punch to Travis’ shoulder (which he knew wouldn’t happen, but he wanted to hear the metaphorical shoulder punch).

“There’s an arcade and on Fridays the roller rink has some good tunes,” the actor playing Travis cut back in, his grin looking genuine and unassuming at the way his face was being traced over by Dan. “We were thinking of going soon. Did you want to come with us?” 

“I’d be down.” The look on Dan’s face when he answered made Phil pause before writing down any notes. He couldn’t look away from Dan’s face; it was awestruck, perfectly embodying how Phil thought that Tyler would have reacted with the idea of being accepted so easily somewhere for the first time in forever instead of being passed over as the new kid. Dan’s face was gone as soon as the scene cut to a scene with the main villain of this season and Dan went back to reading along.

As the episode went on, Phil was glad everyone (for the most part) seemed to be taking this seriously and putting effort into acting the role in the confined space instead of listlessly reading from the script. There were a few actors who weren’t as good as he remembered them being at auditions but he was hoping that was due to having an off day more than they had chosen the wrong person. But, he reasoned as he listened to the woman playing the lead female drone on (she could emote just a little, couldn’t she? Phil remembered her emoting!), this is why they had table readings. He couldn’t stop staring across the room at everyone, his head getting lighter every time he made the realization that the words they were speaking were words he had written. It felt surreal, like he was in some kind of out of body experience and he couldn’t believe that this was his life. His life involved him being able to sit at a table and listen to people act out his words, something that didn’tseem plausible two months ago when he was still making negotiations with Netflix. 

 

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Lunch was a literal breath of fresh air as Stella, Todd, and Todd’s boss went out to lunch at a cafe close by as opposed to staying cooped up in the room with the craft service. Todd’s boss was glowing as they sat and talked about the table read so far, saying that it was going “like a dream”. It made Phil feel heaps better about the notes upon notes littering his script and he could tell Stella felt the same by the way her body started to relax into the chair. He hadn’t known Stella long, especially in person, but he knew she was a newer hire to Netflix and this was going to be her first big project as a director instead of working as a cinematographer as she had been since graduating college. But Phil had watched her work, had seen the short films she had put together and felt confident in her ability to bring their vision to life.

“So what are you guys planning to do tonight,” Todd asked, as he squeezed lemon into his water. 

“Dunno. Probably go back to the hotel room and rewrite some stuff,” Phil said, trying to sound excited about the prospect of hacking away at the notes from today. He knew he needed to, but if anything he could go back to the hotel and sleep and work on a majority of the rewrites tomorrow.

“Well, I need you to cancel those plans,” Todd said with a smile. “We were thinking of doing a little post reading get together. Hit up a bar and just let loose. Obviously not for the kiddos, but for everyone else we thought it might be fun. ”

Phil looked over at Stella, trying to gauge her reaction since he didn’t have much of an excuse to stay in if he couldn’t talk to his director about any of the notes. He was nearly disappointed to see Stella’s eyes light up but he couldn’t blame her for being excited about the idea of going out and being among other people. Not everyone was a home (well, hotel currently) body like he was.

“That sounds fun, right Phil,” Stella chimed in, nearly vibrating in her seat.

Phil didn’t have the heart to tell the truth and nodded. “Yeah, sounds ace.” 

“Great,” Todd exclaimed, beaming at the table around him. “I’ll make an announcement when we get back to the read. I know a bar nearby that should work out.”

Phil gave a smile. He hoped it didn’t look as tight as he felt. 

 

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The second episode read went by much faster than the first episode. Phil couldn’t tell if because the first episode dragged or if it was everyone becoming more confident in their roles after eating lunch. It flew by so fast that when Todd stood back up, his voice carrying across the room for the first time since before lunch, Phil blinked and shook his head a bit in disbelief.

“Thank you so much everyone! That was an amazing read today and I want to thank you all for coming out. I know it’s a little early, but I really feel like we have something special going on in this room right now,” Todd said, beaming as he looked around the room, paying particular attention to the semi-familiar executives that had come to the table read. 

Phil felt his chest go hot with pride at that statement. He was normally a really humble guy (at least he tried to be), so hearing that someone thought his work, that he had put his heart and soul into, was something special was uplifting after the mentally exhausting day. He nearly forgot about the “after party” until he heard Todd tell everyone to come talk to him if they wanted to come to a meet up afterwards. Phil’s hopes of it being something small went down the drain as he watched at least ten people form a queue in front of Tom. He packed up his scripts and his laptop, before making his way over to wait for Tom to make his way through the line. 

“Hey,” Tom greeted, smiling at Phil. 

“The reading went really well. I don’t know what the suits thought,” Tom subtly pointed across the room at the executives who had been at the reading, “but I’m sure we’ll get an email about it later.”

“Oh,” Phil said with a blink, ignoring the urge that popped up for him to immediately check his phone as though the email would appear _now_. “I was going to head back to my hotel and drop off my stuff. Where are we meeting up?”

“Oh don’t bother,” Tom said off-handed. “It’s really close by and by the time you make it through traffic both ways, you’ll probably miss the whole thing unless you are close by.” 

Phil felt a moment of defeat, since he had been hoping to maybe squeeze in a fifteen minute nap before going out with everyone. He had forgotten LA had terrible traffic and while his hotel wasn’t far, it wasn’t close by either. Definitely would have missed a large chunk of the meet-up. But he didn’t want to let anyone down or make people think he was uninterested in them. He was interested; they were bringing his story to life and he was so thankful for that. He would power through it like he was nineteen again instead of thirty and tired. 

“Well, lead the way,” Phil said with a grin. 

“Yeah, let me just pack up and talk to a few people. You find Stella and we’ll take off in a few?”

“Sounds great.”

 

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It was three hours later and Phil was drifting. He wasn’t drunk, having been nursing the same (now lukewarm drink) since he got here, he was just tired. The first two hours had been fun; he had gotten to see people up close and put names to faces and to the characters they were going to be playing or if they were on the production crew. He knew it wasn’t everyone on the cast, but knowing a few people wouldn’t be terrible for when they started filming. And Stella was a calming presence at his side until about thirty minutes ago when she wandered off with a group of girls so now he was leant against the back wall, absorbing the moment of (relative) silence. 

At least he was until he felt the vibration of the wall from a few feet down and saw Dan leaning against the wall too, staring into his glass muttering. Phil looked over at the other and weighed his options. He could stay here, leaned against the wall for another who-knows-how-long not talking to anyone or he could talk to Dan and maybe get to know him a bit better. Not like _that_ , he scolded himself as he watched the other push soft looking brown hair out of his face. This was him getting to know other people on the cast, even if Dan was fit, but there were plenty of other fit people on the cast. He just hadn’t ran into the other tonight, mainly squeezed between Tom and Stella. This was… professional curiosity Phil decided as he scooted down the wall towards Dan. 

“What did the drink do to you,” Phil finally asked, letting out a snort when the other gave a jump. Dan turned and stared at him, opening and shutting his mouth a few times before taking a sip of his drink. Did he really not notice Phil over here when he had chosen the wall? 

“Nothing, just strong as fuck,” Dan finally said as he choked a little on the sip. Phil watched as he went still for a minute before looking at Phil with the guiltiest look on his face. “Sorry, I’ve had a few. Social lubrication and whatnot.”

Phil nodded because he understood. He wasn’t a big drinker, mainly because he was a bit of a lightweight and also he didn’t like that out of control feeling he got when he was drunk. But he always liked that feeling of pleasantly tipsy when he was social without feeling like he was forcing himself past the anxiety.  

“I understand. I feel like I need another one before I go back out there,” Phil said, holding up his watery drink. Dan clinked his drink against the side of Phil’s.

“To social lubrication,” Dan said, his voice solemn while his face was a dimpled smile. Phil couldn’t help but take a sip when Dan did, unable to hide his laugh and Dan’s grimace from his drink. 

"Look. Look. This is not a good margarita; I should know, I used to run a blog rating them,” Dan explained, pausing to take another sip. “First of all, it’s not iced like a slushie. It’s on the rocks.”

“Is that an important part?”

“Well, it tastes better that way. It also doesn’t make them look like radioactive goo,” Dan explained. “Also, this has a salt rim because they were out of sugar, so now it just tastes really strong mixed with really salty with not enough lime. Also it’s a basic flavor, not strawberry...or raspberry. That one is actually really good.”

“How...how did you learn so much about margaritas,” Phil asked, stirring his drink with the tiny cocktail straw, trying to stir the water into his drink so it wasn’t as separated. 

“Uni,” Dan said without any hesitation. 

“Ah, where everyone goes for a top notch education in liquor,” Phil teased. 

“Law was just really boring,” Dan said hesitantly, his shoulders rising up a little. 

“I’m surprised you only stopped at rating margaritas. I probably would have just kept going. Made a YouTube channel about that instead,” Phil said after a moment, watching Dan’s shoulders to see if they relaxed. They didn’t.

“It wasn’t even an intentional thing. I just...started commenting one day and a flatmate started laughing so I figured, ‘ _I have the internet, I can do this instead of a case study_ ’. My advisor wasn’t happy, but everyone I knew in school knew where to go in Manchester for a good margarita,” Dan said with a laugh, playing at his fringe. 

“You’re from Manchester,” Phil asked, feeling excitement flutter up in him. What were the odds? 

“No, unfortunately. I’m from Wokingham,” Dan said, looking apologetic. “I went to the University of Manchester. But as far as a Youtube channel rating drinks goes, I’ll leave that to the charming people.”

“You already got the part, you don’t have to try and flatter me,” Phil said with a teasing smile. 

Dan snorted into his drink. “I said the charming people, like PJ or Louise.”

Phil threw back his head and laughed, before ducking forward and grabbing the back of his head after smacking it into the wall behind his head. Dan looked concerned and reached out. 

“You alright mate?”

“Yeah, yeah, just trying to be awkwardly charming,” Phil said with a laugh. He swore he heard Dan mutter something under his breath about “trying” but he was distracted by the warm fingers suddenly on the back of his head, touching the edge of his hand. Phil moved his own hand and let Dan press against his scalp, feeling little pinpricks of heat wherever his fingers touched. 

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” Dan said as he removed his fingers.

“What’s the good news doctor,” Phil said, humoring the other.

“You probably don’t have a concussion because it’s a small bump that you can barely feel,” Dan said, his voice false gravity that his bitten lip smile didn’t match. His eyes were flashing in the dim lighting of the bar and Phil wanted to watch them do that for a few more minutes.

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re a massive klutz.”

“You’re a little late for that diagnosis doctor Dan,” Phil chuckled. “But thank you for your professional opinion.”

“Of course,” Dan said before breaking out into giggles that made Phil’s stomach flip in a way that he hadn’t felt since his last date. Phil had nearly forgotten about everyone else in the room, jumping when he felt someone give a tug on his sleeve. He looked up to see Stella giving him a knowing look which he ducked his head at. He honestly hadn’t been flirting! He just...he liked how quick Dan was with his mouth and he was having a good time talking to him in this relatively quiet part of the bar.

“Having fun over here Phil,” Stella asked with an even worse knowing tone to her voice. Phil gave a nod before looking back at Dan who was staring at his drink. 

“Dan, do you know Stella,” Phil asked, trying desperately to gloss over the weird energy that had come up in the past few moments. 

“I can’t say I’ve been this close to her to meet her formally no,” Dan said before wiping a hand on his pant leg. “Hi, my name’s Daniel Howell.”

“I remember you from the auditions! You were seriously great and your table read today was good too,” Stella exclaimed, dimpling at Dan. Phil watched as Dan relaxed and started asking her how she got involved with the project which rolled into talking about how they were doing a majority of the filming in a small town outside of Dublin. Phil felt his second wind leave him the longer the conversation between the three of them went on and when he finally started yawning, Stella broke off to scold him.

“Go home and go to sleep,” Stella said with a light shake on his shoulder.

"I’ll probably sleep on the flight before I even reach home,” Phil replied, tongue poking out the side of his mouth as he giggled. It was something he started doing when he was younger during his “trouble making days” and the habit just never stopped. He whined as Stella gave a small punch to his shoulder.

"Just go get an Uber like a normal person and /sleep/. I better not see you online before noon“Okay mum,” Phil joked. He turned to Dan and waved. “It was nice seeing you again. Please research the margaritas in Ireland and be my tour guide.”

“I will,” Dan said with a smile as he waved back. “Go sleep.”

“I will,” Phil said, feeling confident that for the first time in days he would be able to sleep content without staring up at the hotel ceiling. He was proven right when forty-five minutes later he was face-planted on top of the comforter, contacts still in, dreaming of margaritas and cthulhu.


	4. i’m just a weed growing out of the wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> specific foot fetishes, sad veggie plates, and hillside lunch dates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is some discussion of veganism in here and i can't say i'm an expert so if i wrote something heinously wrong, please kindly correct me

Dan still couldn’t believe this was his life as he sat in the international boarding area of LAX, scrolling through his Twitter timeline. It had been a hectic three months since he had officially signed the final contract with Netflix and now he was flying out of LAX to Dublin to begin filming on the _Ghostly Things_ set. He kept touching his passport around every four minutes to make sure he hadn’t lost it, a compulsion as he stared off into the distance. His last day of work at the adult store had been yesterday and he flushed as he remembered the gifts from his manager that sat in their unopened state in his checked bag. He had a decent sized carry-on and checked bag, but he was starting to get nervous he hadn’t packed enough. He didn’t want to re-live his first set of Uni days where he hadn’t packed enough clothing and it was all because he thought packing sex toys had been more important than two more tee-shirts or another pair of black skinny jeans. 

At least this time he knew how to do laundry and, hopefully, wouldn’t have his socks stolen. 

Dan sighed as he checked the time on his phone. For an industry that told you to arrive an hour early for a six am flight, every flight he had ever been on had run late for the boarding process. The plane was supposed to leave in twenty minutes and they hadn’t even begun boarding yet. Dan wanted to start a YouTube video or do something to make the wait a bit more bearable but he was convinced he would start it, blast it, miss the boarding call, and then have to foot his own ticket to Dublin. So he continued to scroll through Twitter, jumping to the top immediately when he saw a notification about a tweet from Cornelia, the girlfriend of Phil’s brother. Dan knew he was in a little deep when this was a highlight of his day. 

It was a picture of Phil and Martyn, standing side to side in front of a castle while holding a small red-headed woman laying down in their arms. The caption just said “Queen Corn and the humble Lester boys”. Dan tapped the little heart button and saved the picture before deleting it off his phone with a scowl towards himself. He was about to be on set with Phil for the duration of filming; he needed to stop creeping on him like this. It was unprofessional and someday it was going to bite him in the ass. Like he wasn’t expecting to become famous, but what if they had to do interviews? 

‘ _Excuse me Daniel, we noticed you’ve been a Phil stan account since 2008. What was it like working with him when you have tweets favorited about wanting to lick his feet?_ ’

‘ _Oh, it was great Janice! You see-_ ’

“Attention passengers on Flight number 1019 to Dublin, we are ready to begin our boarding process. I repeat, passengers on Flight number 1019 to Dublin, we are ready to begin our boarding process,” the perky voice of the airport worker cut in over his daydream (day-nightmare?). “We’re going to begin by having our Premium Platinum members and active military personnel board at this time.”

Dan finally boarded, heading to his economy seat, after a few minutes. He tried not to feel bitter as he walked by First Class and saw the ample leg room, but at least he was in a window seat which meant he wasn’t going to have people tripping over his legs when they needed to use the restroom. He sat down and pulled out his phone to turn it on airplane mode before noticing that Phil himself had posted a tweet. 

He opened Twitter and smiled as Phil asked what sights he needed to see when in Ireland. It was a general question but it made Dan start to zone out, remembering how Phil had asked him to look up margaritas in Ireland. He had tried, okay, but it wasn’t as successful of a search as whiskey tours. Maybe Phil was secretly into whiskey?

Dan felt himself zone out during the pre-take off safety routine and they were in the air, Dan conking out as they ascended. 

 

-_-_-_-

 

After two transfer flights in New York and London (which seemed counter productive),  Dan _finally_ stepped out of the airplane for what was hopefully the last time for a few months. He was a little disappointed in himself for not planning better and take an extra day to be in London; he probably could have convinced his mom and grandma to travel up and have lunch with him. But until his break in a few weeks, he was going to put his head down and work. Maybe enjoy a few sights but more likely than not, sit in his hotel room playing Zelda on his switch. 

Dan got to the hotel in a haze, his body protesting the rapid flinging into a different time zone. He’s pretty sure there may have been a meet and greet to go to that night, but the second Dan saw the bed in his hotel room, he almost said fuck it to setting a phone alarm. Almost. But he felt that he should show up to the first night at the very least or else he would have to answer some awkward questions the other nights that they had activities planned to encourage bonding between the castmates. 

Trying to minimize awkwardness in his life is why he was here, bleary eyed and very much under dressed, chatting with people who were going to be his co-stars in the bed and breakfast's common room that they had transformed into a buffet area for the night. He had overslept his phone alarm by almost an hour and had to rush to get ready so he wasn’t late, nearly spraying himself in the eye with his body spray. He had thought it was going to be something more casual, so he had opted in for black skinny jeans and a graphic tee he had found on sale at Topman. He thought it had been a good choice, a real conversation starter. But now, looking at every other guy wearing a long sleeve shirt like this was a job interview, he just felt under-dressed and was trying not to draw attention to his shirt in any way, shape, or form. After a few minutes he excused himself to go to the buffet table across the hall; at least there he wouldn’t stand out as much.

He was slowly picking his way through the buffet table, looking for any sign of vegan fare that wasn’t a limp celery stick, when his way was blocked by another body.

“Do you have a vendetta against sweets,” Phil said, his whole demeanor cheerful. In his hands was a plate stacked to the brim with biscuits, cupcakes, and a slice of cake that looked to be more icing than cake. “You’re making me feel ashamed with a plate looking like that.”

Dan looked back at his own plate which had some sad looking veggie sticks, hummus, and something that claimed to be fried tofu, but just looked woefully under-seasoned to be anywhere near tasty. Dan eyed the cake again and wondered if his cognitive dissonance could kick in enough for him to enjoy one piece of it. 

“No. I just didn’t eat much today,” Dan said and he looked down the rest of the table which seemed to be a spread of sweets. “I’ll trade you a carrot for one of your cookies though. You can feel less guilty” 

Phil wrinkled his nose, looking so offended at the idea of trading.

“Mate,” Dan said, “you literally have carrot cake on your plate. What’s a non-cooked one going to do to you.”

“I’m still very bitter about carrots from when I was little. They never did improve my eyesight,” Phil explained. 

“Well if you only ate them in cake, they wouldn’t have,” Dan said, before pausing. Phil was also wearing a tee-shirt. His was blue and had a graphic on it of what looked like the anatomy of a Titan, which made Dan feel a bit better.  

“Another diagnoses Dr. Dan. Not enough carrots as a child led to blindness,” Phil asked, his voice teasing. It made Dan smile back at him with a nod. 

“Of course. To make up for it, you need to eat a carrot a day now. You know what they say, a carrot a day keeps the doctor away,” Dan replied, trying to suppress the giddy feeling in his chest that reminded him of when he was flirting with a fit bloke. But he wasn’t _trying_ to flirt with Phil; it just kept happening. Phil was… Phil Lester, writer, vlogger, and so far out of Dan’s league even if he wore tee-shirts to events too. Besides, he was pretty sure Phil was straight; he had never been explicit on his channel he swung one way or the other (or both), but Dan learned early on it was safer to assume the “default” when it came to guys. 

“I thought it was an apple Dan,” Phil said after a moment, his tone sounding like he had repeated himself and was waiting on an answer. 

“Oh you know, it could be both. Carrots are just as good as an apple,” Dan said with a weak laugh. He needed to step away before he made a fool of himself by continuing to flirt with a straight guy. “Well, it’s been swell Phil but I’m going to um. Mingle.”

“Oh. Well, have fun.”

Was it Dan’s imagination or did Phil sound disappointed? Dan brushed it off as him being tired, hopeful, and maybe a little delusional. Very delusional. 

“I’ll try,” Dan mumbled as he walked back over to the group of cast mates he had been talking to originally when he had first come in. None of the conversations the rest of the night were nearly as fun (or as weird) as the one with Phil.

 

-_-_-_-

  
First day of filming dawned two days later and Dan was leant against a tree as they were setting up filming equipment. Stella had decided it would be better to shoot on site instead of investing a lot of time and energy into green screens especially when they were “surrounded by the best CGI god could have provided”. Dan yawned before making his way over to the food truck that was parked on the main road nearby. He needed coffee and they weren’t going to need him for a little bit. 

He got his coffee, making a face at the small size of the styrofoam cup before shuffling off to the side where the cream and sugar was. Maybe he could buy a thermos in town during some of his down time? 

“Are you going to attack me if I get too close to your coffee again,” a voice asked from his left. It was Phil, his hands dwarfing the cup that was between them. Dan swallowed and shook his head no.

“I warned you, I’m like a dinosaur before I’ve had my coffee,” Dan said as he turned back to pour a packet of sugar into his coffee. He picked up one of the half and half creamer packets and struggled to open it. The little tabs were always a pain to open.

“A danosaur,” Phil said, making Dan cause the little packet to explode all over his hands. 

“A what,” Dan said, turning his attention back to Phil, ignoring the gross sensation of milk quickly drying on his hand. 

“A Danosaur,” Phil repeated, reaching over Dan’s mess to grab two sugar packets. “A you. Dan and your dinosaur pre-coffee persona.”

“I’m not a scaly,” Dan retorted on instinct. It’s been an on-going debate between him and a few online friends if his interest in the furry community (even narrowing his potential fursona down to two choices) made him a furry or not. But he knows even if he did have an animal kin, it wouldn’t be with a reptile. He doesn’t know what sort of face he makes at that but it makes Phil burst into laughter. 

“Dan Howell, not a scaly. Got it,” Phil says. He looks like he’s about to say something else, his mouth hanging open just as his name being yelled from across the field with the help of a megaphone. “I’m being paged. I’ll see you around?” 

“Yeah,” Dan said, his voice a little breathy. He wanted to be hit by a meteor in this moment. He was twenty-six years old and should not still be harboring a helpless crush on AmazingPhil. 

‘See you around’ turned into seeing each other hours later when Dan was back by the food truck, trying to figure out what he wanted for dinner. The day was long, still having a few night scenes to film, and he was starving. He was carefully reading over the menu, at this point giving up on anything vegan and willing to settle for anything remotely vegetarian. The closest thing looked like some sort of pita wrap which he ordered after a resigned sigh. Like he understood they were in Ireland, but this was 2019. Vegetarianism (at the bare minimum) was not a fad anymore and was a valid way of living...or maybe he had grown spoiled living in LA over the past year. 

“So is it a personal choice or a professional choice,” Phil asks, sitting down next to Dan on the slight hill that looked down into their current filming location.Dan was going to hear it from costuming later when they saw the dirt prints on his jeans, he could feel it. “All the vegetarian options?”

Dan was impressed there was someone else who seemed as food driven as he was to notice Dan’s food every time they/ve interacted lately. “Personal. I’m actually a six day a week vegan, but when in Rome...Dublin, you know.”

“Why only six days a week?”

“Pizza just doesn’t taste the same with vegan cheese,” Dan explained with a little shrug. “But I try my best. I’m not like...trying to be preachy or anything.”

Dan was happy Phil had decided to sit next to him but he also didn’t need Phil to judge him when he all but threw his food into his mouth. There wasn’t a lot of options for alternative protein on set and this tofu wrap was going to be the highlight of his day since he had worked through lunch trying out different inflections for lines in the trailer he shared with three other guys. It didn’t help that Dan had a mild dislike of eating in front of other people. He had a bad habit of making inappropriate noises when something was satisfying, something his mum and grandma had gotten onto him about since he had been twelve at least.  

“I can tell. You haven’t tried to shame me for eating meat in front of you yet,” Phil said as he took another bite of his own pita wrap. 

“It doesn’t like, offend me, it’s just a personal choice that I don’t eat meat. It doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone,” Dan said, his face feeling hot under Phil’s scrutiny. 

“Which is why you aren’t being preachy. Now tuck in,” Phil said before taking another bite of food. They didn’t talk for the next five minutes as they devoured the wraps, but the silence wasn’t as suffocating as Dan expected it to be; it was actually more companionable than anything. 

“You know,” Phil finally said, breaking the silence, “You aren’t helping the scaly theory. Eating only plants and whatnot.”

“Oh shove off,” Dan said, shoving gently at Phil’s shoulder without thinking it through. Dan froze, his hand still on Phil’s shoulder. Phil just laughed, not moving from beneath Dan’s hand until Dan himself removed it. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I probably would have gotten worse from my mates if I made that joke to them,” Phil said, smiling at Dan, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. 

“Tell me about them,” Dan said, figuring if he had Phil here again, willing to talk to Dan, Dan wanted to learn as much as possible about Phil beyond what he presented to the camera. Phil smiled before launching into an in depth analysis of some of his friends, complete with side tangents that wouldn’t be amiss in a Phil video. Dan was so engrossed that he missed the megaphone calling his name two different times. 

 

-_-_-_-

 

It became a thing. 

If Phil and Dan were on break at the same time, Phil would come and sit with Dan and they would chat about...everything really. Video games, friends, weird encounters with other people, music. How easy they were able to talk about everything was kind of a shock to Dan’s system to be honest. He spent years trying to get Phil to notice him online and now they were being _friendly_ in real life. But Dan hadn’t seen Phil for five days. He didn’t know why it felt so important. He went twenty-six years without seeing Phil once and now he was counting the days he wasn’t seeing him? 

He needed to focus on why he was really here: acting. The five days he hadn’t seen Phil, he had gotten to know James (the actor playing his on screen best friend Travis) and Tammie (the actress playing Veronica) a lot better. Having lunch together had already seen an improvement in their chemistry together on screen, since they made-up three-quarters of the main characters and Dan was glad he wasn’t eating alone, as much as he loved reenacting his sixth form days. He wished Stacie (who played Heather) didn’t use lunch to call her boyfriend back in the States so all four of them could debate motives and subtle symbolism, but Dan couldn’t complain too much. Stacie was actually a great actress and worked hard since this was her first major role after a few smaller roles on Netflix produced shows.

Dan was eating alone today since James and Tammie had a lot of scenes that focused on their relationship as siblings today. He was digging into his tenth vegetarian pita wrap when he felt something drop next to him, causing him to jump. It was a galaxy backpack scattered with pins and Dan sincerely hoped it had shock absorption for whatever was inside.

“Hope you don’t mind me crashing your lunch,” Phil said spreading out his legs in front of him after sitting down next to Dan. “I really needed to breathe some fresh air and talk to an actual human being before I drove myself crazy.”

“Have you been talking to non-actual human beings,” Dan asked, curling his knees up and leaning his head against them so he was staring sideways at Phil. 

“More like talking at my computer,” Phil answered with a slight shrug. “Sometimes words are hard.”

“Okay Mr. English Language degree,” Dan teased with a grin. 

“Look, look, look,” Phil started. 

“I’m looking,” Dan interjected, enjoying winding Phil up way more than he probably should. Phil shot him a pout before continuing. 

“Look,” Phil said, holding up a pointer finger in Dan’s face. Dan resisted the momentary urge to bite it. There was something about Phil that brought out Dan’s more childish side. “Just because I have a degree, it doesn’t mean I also gained the words in the order I need when I graduated. It would have been a nice parting gift though.”

“Oh definitely,” Dan agreed. “Did you want one or two sequels with that too sir?”

“Oh, I’d like more than a singular trilogy,” Phil said off-handedly. 

Dan tried hard not to immediately perk up, but he must have looked unsuccessful since Phil laughed at him. He couldn’t help it; Phil was a good author, even if Dan was being unbiased.

“You look like a lil’ meerkat,” Phil giggled as he made a rough imitation of Dan, his hands popping up in front of his chest as he did his best to look shocked. 

Dan frowned and mimicked Phil back at him, popping out his front teeth to add to the illusion of being a meerkat. The two of them then started making ridiculous noises back and forth at each other, claiming it was the “proper” noise a meerkat made as the backpack sat forgotten between them.

The next few days of filming went by in a blur of early mornings and cool evenings that made Dan really question if it was summer. Dan was sat on the hillside, laughing at Phil and Tammie bicker a few days later, trying not to think about the fact that every time he had sat down for lunch, Phil had been at lunch too. He tried to convince himself it was just Phil being friendly and keeping Dan company, but a small voice in the back of his brain was telling him differently. Dan needed that voice to stop; he was just here for the acting, not pursuing an unrequited decade long crush.


	5. i don’t call people anything that’s thought to be so sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why are bed and breakfasts always so weirdly decorated

The downside of being away from home, Phil thought bitterly as the hotel comforter rubbed against his arms, was hotel living. He liked  _ the idea of _ traveling: the new experiences, places, and people (in small doses) that he got to meet. However, deep down, he was a creature of comfort and habit. He had a great (sometimes too big, sometimes too lonely) apartment in London with a collection of blankets and pillows and tea that wasn’t lukewarm at 3 am when he would be hit with a random burst of inspiration or couldn’t sleep. At home if he couldn’t sleep, he could stay up and work on his sequel, finding inspiration in the art prints and knick-knacks he has collected over the years, but the beige walls in the hotel room weren’t inspiring enough to him. He sighed as he rolled over, turning on the light in the hotel room. The dim lighting made him grimace as he pushed on his glasses, resigning himself to being awake at three am. He paused before a smile broke out across his face. He may be bored, but he could always film something. 

It had been a while since his last A Sleepless Night With Phil.

He dug through his suitcase for his travel camera (not as nice as his set up back home, but was small and portable enough for him to do a vlog in a pinch) and got back into bed, turning on the camera with a frown as he saw the dying battery sign. He dug out the charger and plugged it in next to the bed.

It must have been the early morning but Phil suddenly felt really nostalgic for his beginning days of YouTube. Not the video quality or the content; he could admit both of those had come a long way since his cereal prize camera and rapid fire topic changes. But more the ease of it, not feeling like everything he put out had to fit within the algorithm. Phil never thought that YouTubing would be as big a part of his life as it was but as he grew older, but it had become just another form of self-expression and a creative outlet for when writer’s block wouldn’t let him write. He hated the fact that every once in a while he would upload a video he wasn’t absolutely the most proud of just to make sure he stayed ‘relevant’. Luckily since he had been published, a bit of the pressure of being monetized had been taken off his shoulders which had helped his feelings of guilt about the content he was putting out. Now he was putting out the content he wanted more than the content YouTube had deemed necessary. 

He stood up and went across the room to the shoddy coffee maker, filling it with water from the tap before turning on the machine. He watched the clear water go into the pot and pulled out one of the complimentary tea bags, putting it into the chipped white mug. He poured the water in after it was done and let the tea steep. Phil knew he needed to sleep at some point, so although a cup of coffee sounded heavenly, he was going to be content with whatever tea was in the hotel room. 

He went to check on the camera battery and realized he was being impatient as it had only been ten minutes at most. It was going to take longer than that for the battery to charge. Phil sighed impatiently before brightening up. He could see if there were any biscuits set out from dessert earlier today. The one bright side of staying in this hotel (more of a bed and breakfast), Phil thought as he pulled on a pair of shoes, as opposed to a regular hotel was that there always seemed to be home-made food laying around. 

He opened the door, wincing at the slight creak the door made, and made his way into the dining room. He was expecting to have to be a lot more sneaky but there was already a light turned on and sitting at the table was a figure. He was planning on approaching them with a bit more finesse but that was taken from him when he bumped the side of his thigh into a sideboard and swore quietly. 

“Shit.”

“Fuck,” the figure cursed back, jumping upright from the chair and sending it sideways with a clatter. “Phil?”

“Dan,” Phil whispered back before walking forward to help the other lift up the chair. “Don’t you have to be on set in a few hours?”

“Yeah,” Dan said with a shrug. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Same,” Phil said with a quiet giggle. “I just wanted to see if there were any sweets down here to go with my tea.”

“I doubt the sweets are going to help you sleep Phil,” Dan said, his tone going exasperatingly fond in a way that reminded Phil of his mum. 

“They probably won’t, but it will make the tea easier to choke down,” Phil explained with a shudder. “I don’t know how it always comes out so lukewarm? I use the coffee maker and everything.”

“Not to be a downer mate,” Dan said with a chuckle, “but we’re hardly staying at the Ritz.”

Phil looked around at the decor, at the yellowing wallpaper in the dim light with fresh flowers crammed on every available surface. He actually kind of liked it,the way it felt so homey here. It had enough room to hold the main cast, some of the production team, and Stella while the rest were staying in similar bed and breakfasts across the city. There had been talk at one point of having them stay in Dublin and then transporting them every day but when they had looked at the time and costs, it had seemed more beneficial to have them stay in town closer to the set.  

“No, we’re not. The food wouldn’t be nearly as good,” Phil said with a wink before looking at the table. He frowned when he realized that there wasn’t anything left out on the table and let out a resigned sigh. 

“Yeah, the food’s pretty ace,” Dan said with a look of innocence on his face. Phil flushed at the reminder of how he had gotten excited after he had called his mom that evening and his Northern roots had come out after a long conversation, making it funny at dinner when he kept calling everything “ace”.

“Oh hush you,” Phil chided gently. He looked at Dan who was staring back in the dim light. Phil could see the beginning of dark circles under his eyes and felt bad for the younger man, knowing that tomorrow’s scene where he would have to be literally dragged into the faerie realm probably wasn’t going to help with the obvious exhaustion on his face. Phil sat down across from him and gave another look around the room at the big windows with the shadows of the trees outside. He let out a shiver, imagining all the ways a home invasion could happen in this place.  “Anything wrong?”

“Oh, just a lot of self pity,” Dan said in a tone that Phil assumed was supposed to sound airy, but it didn’t match Dan’s tired eyes and slumped shoulders that Phil pushed down the urge to rub. Phil would do that for...well, not anyone, but at the very least someone he considered a friend, especially when Dan had looked exhausted for a few days straight. “Woe is me, I’m in Ireland filming my dream job and I’m still...not enough.”

Dan cut himself off with a harsh bark of a laugh and the loud sound in the dim room just made him seem to sink deeper into himself. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be complaining, especially to you-.”

“It’s not complaining,” Phil cut in, immediately. “What do you mean you’re not enough? You’re...you’re doing amazing Dan; you’re really bringing Tyler to life.”

Dan slumped further down until his head was resting between his arms and mumbled something. 

“What?” Phil asked, slowly getting more concerned. It’s not that Dan was generally an optimist, but he’d never seen Dan look this  _ sad _ . They had grown close in the past few weeks, probably from their constant proximity, but Dan also kept a wall up around Phil in a way that Phil wasn’t used to with his other friends. They would be fine and chatty at night but then Phil would ask a personal question and Dan looked like he wanted to say something but then change the subject back to something a little more surface level. Phil thought it was a bit of idolization and professionalism that kept Dan from truly letting his guard down around Phil.  Maybe this would be the night they got past that, because Phil genuinely  _ liked _ Dan. Dan was funny, witty, and could act Tyler better than anyone on the planet; Phil was sure of that. 

“I said that they keep having to stop the cameras for me,” Dan repeated, not lifting his head up to meet Phil’s eyes and speaking so quietly Phil could just barely make out what he was saying. “They keep wasting film on me acting too theatrical.    I keep wasting so much money. Oh, and they also don’t think I’m centered enough and I need to re-find Tyler’s muse.” 

It took everything in Phil not to laugh because his editor had told him the same thing earlier that morning in his weekly check-in. Well, not Tyler’s muse in particular, but a muse, any muse.  _ ‘Phil, you haven’t sent me anything in weeks, even just an email to let me know what’s going on _ ,’ Elisha had scolded him lightly. Phil had stared up at the ceiling as she had started talking about pushing back publishing dates and brought up the dreaded words “tour dates”, because that was something Phil had committed to for this book’s go around, hoping to knock out questions about the Netflix show and the sequel in one go. 

Phil loved multi-tasking.

“You agree with them, don’t you,” Dan asked, his voice resigned. 

Phil realized he had been silent for too long and hadn’t even been listening to Dan’s underlying questions. 

_ Do you think I’m good enough? Am I worth it? _

“I don’t agree with them,” Phil said, reaching out and squeezing Dan’s shoulder, feeling it relax under his touch from where they had hunched up to Dan’s ears. “At least not that you’re wasting tape. It’s not wrong to not know what direction you’re taking him. Sometimes, I don’t know what direction I’m taking things either. But if you ever want to talk? And get yourself in Tyler’s head and out of your own for a bit, I’m here. Character reasonings and rationale coming straight from my mouth was the main reason I wanted to be on set while you guys were filming. ”

Dan was quiet for a minute and turned his head until he was staring at Phil. He could see that Dan’s eyes were a little red. He chose not to comment on that or how he was sniffling a little. 

“Really?” Dan asked.

“Really. Come find me at any time,” Phil said, meaning every word of what he was saying, squeezing Dan’s shoulder again for emphasis. He didn’t want anyone on the cast to feel blocked from the character they were playing. He’s pretty sure character motivations were more up to Stella, but she looked so tired lately that if Phil could help her and hang out with Dan doing it, he was going to take that opportunity. 

“Thanks Phil,” Dan mumbled, “I really...thank you for listening. I should pay you my therapist’s copay.”

Phil did laugh at that and stood up, stretching as he did because those chair looked nice, but there was no cushioning so they were hell on his lower back. 

“Wanna come to my room and have a cuppa?” Phil asked. 

Dan finally laughed. It was quiet and low and Phil felt his stomach flip at the sound. Dan sounded so nice when he laughed like that. 

“After you’ve really sold me on it being lukewarm,” Dan sassed. “I would but I think I should try to sleep before tomorrow when I’m dragged through the dirt. Thank you though, for everything.”

“Of course,” Phil reassured Dan. They stood there awkwardly for a moment before Phil lightly touched Dan’s shoulder to stop him from leaving immediately. “Do uh… do you want a hug?”

“What,” Dan asked, his accent going extra posh.

“A hug,” Phil said. “I… I usually feel better after a hug.”

Dan was staring at Phil with large open eyes and he slowly lifted his arms up and open. “I… I could use a hug.”

Phil stepped closer and held his arms open too, wrapping them around Dan’s midsection. He pressed close and gave Dan a squeeze which the other man returned instantly. The hug felt… nice. Better than nice really. Dan’s body was so warm and he smelled like warmth too, something cozy that Phil would have smelt when he was ten and having a lie in. Phil swore he could feel Dan’s heartbeat kick up a notch, but he could have been mistaken for his own nervous heartbeat. Here he was, sniffing near Dan's ear like a creep when he had just felt so  _ harrowed  _ by the idea of not being good enough he had teared up. Phil gave Dan another squeeze before starting to pull back, stopped by another squeeze across his back. 

“Sorry,” Dan said, finally letting go. “I think I really needed that.” 

Phil took a half-step back and stared at Dan. When he spoke, it was quiet, his heart feeling up in his throat. 

“I think I did too, honestly.”

They stood there, staring at each other before Dan let out a fake cough. 

“Well I uh. Better go sleep. G’night Phil,” Dan said before giving an awkward wave to Phil and turning around to walk back to his room. 

“G’night Dan,” Phil said as he stood in the hallway a moment longer. His face felt so flushed and he wanted a moment before he went back upstairs and began filming. 

 

_-_-_-_

 

[ _ A Sleepless Night with Phil, #35 on Trending _ ] 

 

_ “Hey guys,” Phil’s face appears in frame and the hold on it is a little shaky as Phil tries to find the right angle to be straight on while still holding up his hand like he is awaiting a high five He looks mildly flushed and his hair is a little wet but is styled into his recognizable fringe style. He’s wearing a plain white shirt with the cast of the T.V show F.R.I.E.N.D.S on the front while his pajama bottoms are hidden under a beige comforter with a sheen on it that picks up on camera. In the corner is a time stamp that says 4:45 am. _

_ “As you can tell from the title of the video, I’m having a little trouble sleeping.  But it’s okay because now I can talk to all of you,” Phil said, giving the camera a sunny smile.  “If you couldn’t tell from Twitter and Instagram, I’m in the Republic of Ireland!”  _

_ There is a non-copyrighted “yay” sound track that plays after that announcement. _

_ “It’s absolutely beautiful until it’s late at night and then it’s beautiful but dark out. It’s so peaceful outside that it becomes a little scary. One thing I don’t miss about London are the screaming foxes, but it’s odd to sleep without hearing much of anything you know? So I went on WikiHow and tried to find an article about how to sleep better at night and it recommended a warm shower, some calming tea, and a sound machine.” _

_ Phil reaches up, causing the frame to become shaky again as he ruffles his hair and then immediately trying to stop a splinge (something his long time fans are aware he calls his “split fringe”)  from forming.  _

_ “I think it helped a little but it was more that I got keyed up because the walls in the hotel are super thin so it felt like I was keeping everyone up,” Phil explained as he rubbed the back of his neck. “And I tried the tea-” _

_ The camera pans to the bedside table with an open laptop open to a word document open and a chipped white mug with a tea bag string hanging out of it.  _

_ “-but it’s lukewarm so I didn’t really calm down as much as I thought I would. I don’t have a sound machine so I’m going to lay down for a moment and try and see if I fall asleep. Or half-asleep since I did everything half-way.” _

_ A cut away scene happens and now the time stamp in the corner shows 5:45 am.  _

_ “Hey guys, so I’m still awake and instead of sleeping, I’ve managed to write a little bit. My editor is going to be very happy with me,” Phil says with a loud laugh before looking immediately guilty and quieting his laugh down to a giggle. “I can’t really say what it’s about but I can say I think everyone is going to like it. Oh! Room tour! I started one on Instagram the other day and never finished it!” _

_ The camera shakes violently, going completely into darkness for a moment as it’s set down on the bed. Rustling is heard in the background and then the camera is picked back up as it pans across the room, which is significantly brighter with the overhead light turned on in addition to the bedside table light.  _

_ “Okay so, this is my bed of mild comfort. It’s bigger than mine at home so it is nice to be able to starfish out on it, but I really want like… twenty more pillows on it,” Phil explains before panning over to the nightstand. “I have stubbed my toe on this roughly everyday since we have arrived. You might be thinking ‘PHIL! Use the other side.” _

_ The camera pans to the other side where a tall, ornate dresser with clawed feet the matches the nightstand on the other side of the bed sits.  _

_ “This is where I stubbed my toes all the other days we’ve been here. Overall the bed set up is a 2.5 out of 5 stars. Across the room is the telly,” Phil says, spinning the camera fast to pan over the television that sits in an old fashioned television cabinet where the coffee maker also sits.  Phil does a “tea haul” where he shows off the teas available for him to drink outside the tea time at the bed and breakfast. “And the door over here leads to the bathroom.” _

_ Phil continues to give a tour of the admittedly small room. Some of the highlights are the green, velvet wallpaper in the bathroom (which Phil doesn’t understand), the clawfoot tub (that Phil adores), and showing off his latest shampoo/conditioner combination (strawberry shampoo with coconut conditioner).  _

_ There is another time jump, the time stamp in the corner showing 6:45 am as the camera is pointed outside to film the sunrise. It’s beautiful  oranges and yellows against the lush trees and the hint of a garden down below. Another jumpcut shows Phil back in bed, yawning, finally. _

_ “Okay guys, I think I’m going to try and sleep again. Thank you for keeping me company.  I’ll try to upload another video soon. Gooooooood bye!” _

_ The video goes to a blue end scene playing upbeat, 2-bit music with links to his last video on the Amazing Phil channel and the last video on his side-channel channel LessAmazingPhil. _

 

_ [4.7k Comments]  _

 

_ -_-_-_- _

 

Phil was exhausted. 

He didn’t go on set the day he filmed A Sleepless Night with Phil, deciding to stay up the rest of the day to try to get his sleep schedule back on track. He edited and uploaded the video before caving around 2pm and letting himself take an hour long nap. He felt like he kept have slept a lot longer but he was woken up by a knock on his door. He trudged over to the door and opened it to see Dan standing there, staring down at the floor. He was wearing a surprisingly clean shirt and jeans which Phil took to mean that he wasn’t filming until later when it was darker. 

“Can I get some tips about how to play Tyler,” Dan asked, his fingers tapping against his right thigh. Phil felt himself beam and open the door wide to let Dan in.

“I thought you’d never ask.”


	6. the photo's flash has made my eyes appear to be the ghostly kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> liveshows and prank wars. tw: slight homophobia

Three months into filming and Dan was exhausted. 

It was the kind of tired that settled deep in your bones, a constant ache that no amount of coffee, sleep, or time off had been able to cure. He had gotten a week off about a month ago, to his mom and grandmother’s delight. He got to go to his mom’s house and spend time with his family (including his brother who was surprisingly home and not traveling all around the world). Alongside eating his Nan’s home cooking (he was having an off week because Nan’s roast was legendary, okay Adrian, stop being so judgemental) and catching up on sleep. He had spent a good portion of the time Snapchatting with Phil, who was still on set. Phil had sent him a sad face every time Dan had sent him a picture of the family dog, Colin, because ‘ _ it’s not fair : ( _ ‘. Dan tried not to gloat as he sent Phil selfies of him and Colin snuggling. 

But the exhaustion, Dan thought as he looked around the wall down the hallway at Phil’s door, was probably why he had agreed to all of this. This, he thought staring at the giant cutout of Robert Pattison of Edward Cullen (that had taken him some time, energy, and favors to get ahold of) positioned right outside Phil’s door, prank war. Phil and him hadn’t sat down and had a handshake and a gentlemen’s agreement about the whole thing, but that’s because he prank war had started innocently enough. Phil had been waiting at their spot (the spot they usually met at for lunch, Dan corrected himself mentally) with Dan’s usual order and some gummy bears, except Phil had failed to mention they were gummy bears with habanero pepper in them. And Dan had retaliated with making Phil tea with the special ingredient of probiotic yoghurt in it. Phil had hidden in a wardrobe on set,  jumped out, and scared Dan to death, so Dan figured it was his turn. 

He tried his best to hide a giggle as he stared at the form of the cutout in the darkness of the hallway. Phil had taken to going for walks late at night to “clear his head” (Dan said it was to be a “pretentious and mysterious writer” in front of the girls on set and Phil  just shoved him) and if Dan had calculated it right, Phil should be going for a walk soon. He would walk out and screech and it would be the world’s most perfect revenge for giving Dan a heart attack; heart attack for a heart attack seemed fair in Dan’s sleep deprived mind. Dan was vibrating in excitement when it  _ finally happened _ . Phil opened the door and screeched, reaching out and tangling himself up in the cutout when the cutout didn’t support him. Dan appeared from around the corner, walking as he was doubled over in laughter from the comedy gold his tired mind had just witnessed. He heard someone yell from inside their rooms to shut the fuck up and he tried his best to quiet down but it still took him a full minute and wiping tears from his eyes as he stared at Phil’s prone figure on the ground. Dan reached out his hand to help Phil up and after a resigned sigh, he accepted it.

“Just you wait  _ Howell _ , I’ll get you back for this,” Phil hissed into Dan’s ear, trying to be quiet. “I’ll get you for this.”

He resisted the urge to shiver at the whisper in his ear, the warm breath going down to puff innocently against his neck from how close they were.

“Okay _ Lester _ ,” Dan whispered back, shaking Phil’s hand. “It’s on.”

_-_-_-_

Dan was laying on the floor of Phil’s room with a Switch in hand. He was playing Pokemon as Phil muttered and typed on the computer above him. Dan wished in a way that he could lay on the bed with him, but he didn’t want to push the boundaries of the friendship they had. Because that’s what they had now, much to Dan’s continued surprise and delight. Dan had been told in the past by some of his “friends” (or at least the people he hung out with in his hometown to avoid bullying) that he was a little too touchy feely for a guy. Almost anytime they hung out, he got asked if he was gay because “only poofs would do that” and “why did you have to act so gay Howell?”. So while Dan wanted to crawl onto the bed and feel a bit of Phil’s warmth radiate against his side as they worked on their respective projects and just know the other was  _ there _ , he didn’t want to push Phil into anything that he didn’t want to, especially Dan’s clingier tendencies. He could do what his therapist suggested anytime he tried to make a new friend and ask for their boundaries but he didn’t want to be  _ weird _ . So he laid on the floor while Phil got to have pillows and listen (not like, in a creepy way) to Phil breathe and mutter and occasionally ask Dan if a line he was writing made sense. Dan loved these moments and wouldn’t give them up for anything, even laying on the bed next to Phil.

“Dan, Dan, Daniel,” Phil repeated, his tone becoming increasingly pouty and whiny at each repetition of his name. 

“Phil, Phil, Philip,” Dan mocked him back, his voice at a higher pitch than what Phil started with.

“I can’t look at this document for another minute,” Phil complained, his head tilting over the edge of the bed to stare down at Dan. Dan stared up at Phil and (not) for the first time, he was struck with the want to tilt his head up and connect his and Phil’s lips. Because the past few months of getting to know Phil besides what he presented on camera had made that old crush from when he was younger come rushing back like he was getting doused by a Blastoise. 

God, he needed to stop playing Pokemon.

“Then don’t,” Dan said, his voice going higher at the end of the suggestion as Phil leaned further off the bed. Dan rolled on to his back in order to stare up at Phil better, unable to hide his wince at his stiff body moving.  “What do you want to do instead?”

Phil paused, his face going red from gravity. “What day is it?”

“I believe it’s Sunday, why,” Dan asked.

“What time is it,” Phil asked, looking side to side on the floor before grabbing Dan’s phone from the floor to check the time. He dropped it on to Dan’s stomach when he was done checking the time. “7’oclock. Perfect.”

“Why is it perfect,” Dan asked, his voice holding a bit of a whine. This was abuse, pure and simple. Getting hit with his own belongings and information being withheld from him? Call the Geneva convention. 

“Come up here Dan,” Phil replied in the most cryptic way possible as he sat up on the bed. “We have important things to do.”

“Kinky,” Dan whispered under his breath as he stood up, letting out a noise (not a yelp) of surprise when Phil gently kicked at his thigh. “Ouch! You could have crippled me mate!” He said, rubbing the spot where Phil had kicked him.  

“Sorry,” Phil said, not sounding sorry  _ AT ALL _ as he typed on the keyboard of his laptop. Dan rolled his eyes and crawled into the empty spot of the bed, leaving a bit of space between him and Phil. His phone buzzed in his left pocket and he pulled it out; it was a Twitter notification from Phil.

**amazingphil:** _come chat with me and a special guest! : )) http//:bhedgwui.._

“Phil,” Dan said slowly as he watched Phil primp  in the reflection of his built-in webcam. “Who is this special guest on your liveshow?”   


“You,” Phil said simply. Dan stared at Phil, who beamed at him before turning back to the screen, for a second before looking down into his lap where his fingers had come and tangled together. 

“I feel special,” Dan said, his voice suddenly soft. Because he was about to be on an AmazingPhil liveshow. Or, by the dinging going wild on Phil’s screen as he scrambled to shut the volume off, he already was. 

“You are,” Phil replied, not looking away from the screen, making it seem like his response was common knowledge like the sky being blue. It made Dan’s heart feel as though it was being squeezed in his chest. Phil turned his attention to the chat and saying hello to all the people flooding into the live chat. “Hello philsnose99, hello chillyphilly, hi guys! Thank you for coming to this special liveshow! I know it’s a little later than when I would normally do one and had no warning but I needed a mental break. Aw, thanks catlittle33, I missed you guys too!”

Dan looked over from where he was using selfie mode on his phone to try and tame his slightly wavey hair into something manageable. He had taken a shower after sweating on set earlier and figured since he wasn’t going anywhere but Phil’s room, he could deal with his hair not being perfectly straight. In his own defense, he didn’t think he was going to be live streaming on the internet tonight (or any night really). He listened to Phil chat with his viewers for a few minutes, feeling his shoulders relax as he saw how genuinely happy the other looked as he talked to his audience. His eyes were bright and his smile could power a small city (or at least keep Dan’s heart beating).

“Now I know you guys aren’t here for me, you’re here for my special guest,” Phil said as he turned towards Dan and made a beckoning motion. Dan scooted until he was pressed against Phil’s side and in the shot of the live stream. He gave a small wave. “This is dani-snot-on-fire on Twitter.”

Dan groaned and elbowed Phil in the side. 

“Ignore him. English language degree and he can’t read. Wait, you know my Twitter,” Dan said, looking over at Phil, fake horror crossing his features. Phil and him occasionally tagged each other in tweets on there so he was aware that he wasn’t completely safe when it came to Phil knowing his weird Phil Lester specific likes on Twitter. He had definitely cut back in the past few months.

“Yes, Dan I know everything,” Phil said with a solemn tone, but his face was a face splitting smile. 

“What am I thinking,” Dan said laughing before looking away from those dancing blue-green-yellow eyes. He felt Phil’s hand press against his forehead as he saw his other hand wiggle his fingers as if feeling Dan’s aura.

“You’re thinking about how to prepare for this interview,” Phil said after a moment with finality. 

“ERT,” Dan replied, making a “wrong answer” buzzer sound. “I was thinking that I miss Dominos.” 

“Well there goes question two,” Phil said, with a dramatic sigh. He looked back at the chat and smiled. “So demonphil69420 is asking who you are?”

“Hello, my name is Daniel Howell,” Dan said, making brackets over his heart like a name tag. “And I play Tyler Ulreich on  _ Ghostly Things _ !”

Dan risked taking a look in the chat and laughed at all the  **[ dan ]** and **[ tyler ]** ‘s that stared back at him and his phone made consistent vibrations against his ankle where he was sitting cross-legged. He’s pretty sure if he checked his phone he would be gaining followers on his Twitter and that was a chilling thought he would examine later. “Yeah, that wasn’t a good move on my part, was it? If this follows me out of here, I’m blocking all of you.”

“Okay guys, come off it,” Phil said as he scanned the chat but he was smiling as he read. “Princessmario is asking how long you’ve been acting for.”

“I think I was in a nursery school play when I was four and it just really took off from there. Tree number 4 was an important role. I then went on to act in local plays and just kept acting through university. Boy, do I have some fun stories about theatre kid parties.”

“Okay, tylerwindbreaker asks why your accent is so different than mine? Is it acting training?”

“That’s because Phil is from further North than I am. Also, I watched a lot of Winnie the Pooh when I was little.”

“Dan that’s so cute,” Phil said, nudging against his shoulder. Dan felt himself beam at the contact as he nudged his shoulder back into Phil’s.

“Look mate, I’m proud of my Winnie the Pooh accent! It’s articulate!”

“Oh, is that what we’re calling it posh boy?” “Damn right,” Dan said, before looking shocked. He just cursed on an AmazingPhil livestream. He looked to his left to see Phil’s reaction, which was a face of shock and Phil pushing against his shoulder.

“You curse too Phil! I’ve heard you! Just say fu-,”Dan said before Phil put him in a headlock and covered his mouth with his hand.

“Dan, think of the babies! There could be someone who just gave birth and is watching this and a literal baby just heard you curse,” Phil yelled before letting out a screech as Dan licked Phil’s hand to make the other let go of him. Phil wiped his hand on Dan’s thigh before looking back at the screen to pick out another question.

“Dan, sunnytravis wants to know what’s your favorite color?” “Lester, that’s boring. But it’s obviously pink,” Dan said, gesturing down to his all black ensemble. Phil looked over at him, looking up and down. Dan felt himself go warm underneath the stare, wishing Phil was appraising him under much different circumstances. 

“I think you could pull off pastel pretty well. Oh, sound off below if I should do a pastel video featuring some of the cast of  _ Ghostly Things _ doing their pastelsonas.”

“Oh that’d be fun,” Dan said, trying to imagine James, who considered himself pretty manly, wearing pastel colors. Tammie would be into it probably

“Oh, here’s a fun one. Ickyvicky asks ‘Dan, what’s one of Phil’s worst qualities? Phil, what’s one of Dan’s’,” Phil cut into Dan’s mini daydream with a bit of a pout. “I know it will be pretty hard-.”

“He’s the worst to play video games with,” Dan said, without any hesitation. “We’ll say best three out of five and then he’ll say ’ _ all or nothing _ ’ if he’s losing. Then he ends up winning on a fluke! It’s so annoying!”

“Well, you’re no better mister whiny. He whines if he doesn’t get his way. Phwilllll,” Phil whined, trying to imitate Dan’s whine from when he wants the last biscuit or to go to a specific store when they make trips into Dublin. 

“Stop ittttt,” Dan whined, for the comedic effect of proving Phil right, making Phil throw his head back in laughter. Dan ducked his head to try and hide his smile, looking at the screen as he did so. He saw plenty of comments fly across the screen that had his name in there, but at the rate it was going, he could only pick up a couple here and there. Most of them were commenting on his appearance, which Dan tried not to let give him an ego boost.

**voremelester:** asdfghjkl dan is so cute, he looks like the perfect tyler

**philsfreckles** : they are so touchy and flirty!!!

**philsfeet:** what socks are you wearing phil

**lookatme** : dan, are u gay

**limeylester:** dan, do you have a girlfriend? I’d like to audition ; ) ) 

Dan didn’t address any of those questions and comments because what was he supposed to say? ‘ _ No, I’m single and after being number one Phil trash for a number of years, I finally met him and for the first time since I was a tiny child, I feel safe around someone? So while I appreciate your kind comments and questions, I’m in love with the best friend I’ve ever had. _ ‘ Yeah, Dan could see that going over real well with both the audience and Phil. 

The next hour went on like that, Phil finding questions that weren’t grossly inappropriate and Dan answering them like an interview. It was actually pretty fun, but it became draining about half way through since Dan became hyper aware of just how close Phil and him were sitting and how often they touched whenever he happened to stare at the chat and read the comments. There wasn’t anything particularly nasty but there was the occasional ‘fag’ comment. He could tell whenever Phil saw one of the comments because he would stiffen up and then block the user. Dan felt himself slowly getting angry on Phil’s behalf. Did it matter if they were? Like Dan knew he himself was queer, but if Phil wasn’t, he didn’t deserve this hatred and rudeness.

“Okay final question of the night,” Phil finally declared. “AnnoyingCarSounds wants to know why you love playing Tyler.”

Dan was honestly shocked that it took Phil this long to ask him this question. He had seen it fly over the screen a few times, but it also felt like a great question to end on. He held up a finger as he gathered his thoughts for a few moments.

“I love playing Tyler because he’s the kind of person I always hoped I would be: honest, caring, and a total breaker of toxic masculinity,” Dan said with a laugh. “I bet that wasn’t the direction you thought this was going, did you? But Tyler, despite this being the 80’s and, sorry if I’m reading too deep here Phil, queer coded in a very Catholic country that follows a very white, western version of masculinity, isn’t afraid to show affection to his friends, both male and female. Alongside this, Tyler is someone I identify with, outside of being queer; I didn’t have a best friend growing up. I didn’t even have a best friend into my early 20’s. But now I have one and I can say that I would do just about anything for him.” 

Dan wasn’t lying or putting on a front with that statement; he would help Phil do anything if he asked. Dan didn’t look away from the screen, scared to see how Phil would react to being called Dan’s best friend, but he could see the way Phil’s face shifted from something very nervous to something  _ soft _ . Phil was looking at Dan like Dan had found him the world’s most perfect corgi to play with, a look of pure joy. Dan resisted the urge to rub a hand over his heart, feeling it constrict at the thought of  _ him _ , little ol’ Dan Howell, making Phil Lester look like that.  It took Phil a few seconds to look away and back at the screen, but Dan could feel Phil’s warmth radiating against his side as he moved a little closer to Dan. 

“Alright guys, it’s almost old man Dan’s-”

“I’m younger than you.”

“-bedtime,” Phil finished, shoving at Dan. “Say goodnight Dan.”

“Goodnight Dan.”

Phil rolled his eyes and read off goodnight to about five more people before closing out of the liveshow. As soon as it was properly shut down, Phil turned and hugged himself as close as he could against Dan’s side.

“So I’m your best friend, huh,” Phil asked, muffled against his shoulder. Dan turned his body so he was hugging Phil back, nodding against the crown of Phil’s head.

“The best friend I’ve ever had,” Dan said, his voice thick in his throat because of how true it was and how he couldn’t explain it to Phil because then he would have to explain the gay thing and he’s lost so many friends that way. He just wanted to stay in Phil’s arms a little longer without anything changing. The longer the hug went on thought, Dan felt his cheeks heat up. This was going on longer than a normal, grateful friendship hug, and Dan’s face was buried in Phil’s neck, able to smell his body wash and how cool Phil’s skin felt compared to his. He knew some things were too good to last for too long so with great reluctance he started to extract himself from the hug.

“I uh… I probably should get going though. Get some sleep so Stella doesn’t yell at me about being a zombie,” Dan said, finally putting away. His face wasn’t pulled too far from Phil’s and he could see how the other’s eyes were hooded and sleepy looking. Dan felt that urge to kiss him rise up again and he needed to leave  _ now _ before he ruined everything. 

“Aw, are you sure? I mean I mostly did that to save you from questions if you wanted to hang out a little longer.” Phil sounded disappointed. Dan felt both disappointment in himself for making Phil sound that way and also a giddiness because Phil wanted him to stay, that reassurance that Phil liked him as well. Probably not as much as Dan liked Phil but enough to want Dan to stay around him. 

‘ _ For now _ ,’ the awful pessimistic voice in his head said, making Dan stand up and search for his belongings. 

“I’m actually kind of knackered. Your fans really tired me out,” Dan said and he retrieved his Switch from the floor. “But it was fun. 10/10, would do again.”

“Really?” Phil asked, cheerfulness back in his voice. Dan would go through fifteen exhausting live shows in a row to keep Phil speaking in that tone. 

“Really mate,” Dan assured him as he walked towards the door.

“Well get ready for next week then,” Phil raised his voice a little.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Dan said as he slipped out the door. He leaned against the other side of the closed door, realizing he was really well and truly fucked over Phil Lester, before going back to his room to try and sleep. 

_-_-_-_

Dan was relaxing alone in his own room for the first time in a few weeks because Phil had claimed that he was too distracting and needed time alone to write. Dan took the time to catch up on some quality tumblr time, the one social media platform Phil knew he had but hadn’t been able to find to tease Dan mercilessly about. The shower from the other room provided background noise similar to a noise machine and his headphones were turned down low in order to answer any text messages that might pop up since for someone busy writing, Phil had been consistent in texting. 

“Dan,” Dan’s roommate, Robert, said from inside the bathroom, his voice carrying from the other side of the thin door. Robert was a good roommate to have on set, known affectionately as Show Dad; older, clean, and didn’t ask much of Dan except to wear headphones. “Did uh. Did I do something to offend you son?”

Dan wrinkled his nose at the term, remembering every time he had been in trouble when he was younger. Was it something they taught at dad school? Using the term ‘my son’ to indicate when someone younger than them was in trouble?

“No?” 

“Is this hazing then,” Robert asked, his calm tone starting to slip into annoyance. It wasn’t a tone that Dan was used to hearing from Robert, who was known as being calm and unflappable since outside of acting he had five kids of varying ages. 

“Is what hazing?” Dan was genuinely confused. Had he left something in the bathroom? Was it that big of an offense if he had? Dan wasn’t the best roommate, but he was clean and polite at the bare minimum. 

Robert opened the bathroom door and poked his head out. Dan’s mouth dropped open, and a nervous chuckle escaped his lips. Because what the fuck?  _ What the fuck _ ? Robert, Show Dad Robert, now had green hair. The color was a deep forest green that Dan associated with filming and hiking and too much fresh air.

“Dan, this isn’t funny. I want to know what’s going on,” Robert demanded. He exited the bathroom and stood at the foot of Dan’s bed, arms crossed over his bare chest and resting on his stomach. 

“I. I wish I could tell you what was going on,” Dan said, keeping his eyes studiously on Robert’s face, knowing if he caught a glance of the green hair on Robert’s balding head again, he might laugh for real. “I honestly don’t know.”

And then it hit Dan. Phil had promised to get back at him for the Robert Pattinson cut out. Apparently Phil skipped a step and escalated to altering Dan’s appearance in a more permanent way, which Dan thought was a dick move.  Dan pulled out his phone and called Phil, who picked up on the second ring. 

“Phil,” Dan cut in before he could start with greetings. He ignored the way Robert started tapping his foot in a muffled way against the carpeted floor and the glare on his face. “I need you to come here with dye remover.”

Phil was crowing on the phone, asking what was wrong but in a mocking tone that said  _ he knew exactly what was wrong _ . 

Oh how wrong he was, Dan thought.

“Phil, please.”

“I don’t know Dan, I’m not a Tesco. I don’t have dye remover.”

“You...don’t have the remover?”

“Fucking hell,” Robert finally burst into the conversation, slamming back into the bathroom, the door sounding periolously close to coming off the hinges. The shower came back on and Dan swore he had stopped breathing.

“Is...are you not green,” Phil asked, his voice climbing in pitch. 

“I am not green,” Dan confirmed, whispering as he stared at the door, convinced if he spoke too loud Robert would burst out of the bathroom and turn him green, black, and blue. 

“...want to come over and we’ll try to get to Dublin for dye remover?”

“Desperately,” Dan replied as he searched for his wallet. “Also Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“The prank war is officially over.”

“Agreed.”


	7. an unconscious mess I guess I’ll never be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which coming out is a process. // tw: homophobic slurs

What does one do when a place they had considered safe (well, as safe as the internet could be) suddenly became a nightmare to go on? 

Ever since Dan had called Tyler queer and queer coded, Phil’s mentions on Twitter had blown up. Phil had been using Twitter pretty much since it’s inception and would say that except for his publication week, this is the most popular his notifications have ever been. Much like his YouTube channel, he kept the subjects on Twitter light and non-polarizing even if his fans then took to polarizing the subjects themselves (he could never forget the great space versus cactus sock debate if his mind tried). He actively tried to avoid posting anything controversial or super private on there because well… he was a private person. He came on the internet to try and make himself forget any of his troubles and feel good and he wanted people that viewed his content to have those same feelings. Today, however, he was not having those feel good feelings or able to forget. In fact, his stomach kept feeling like it was dropping out from under him at every mention that popped up in his feed. 

 **philstystan:** hey @amazingphil is it true that tyler is queer??

**livelaughwine: i don’t think i can allow my child to read @amazingphil’s book again. we need to moderate our children’s media more carefully!**

**tylersgayf:** omfg tylers gay!!??!? @amazingphil thank u for this gift!!!?!!

 **cuckcrusher:** @amazingphil is a fag and his book sucks

Phil felt himself stop breathing at that last one. He’s heard worse about his book, internalized and a bit repressed, but hearing people call him a fag just for having a (as Dan called it) queer coded character? Not even a truly confirmed, queer character? It was enough to make Phil not want to leave his room ever again. Phil had been nervous to include Tyler in the first place, but felt that it was an important, cathartic part of his writing to include him in the story. He wanted there to be queer characters, even if they were never confirmed, included in supernatural fiction because exploring old castles and finding a portal to another world where the fae lived and realizing it was more horror than pastel? That was something Phil used to dream about doing and he was queer. Why shouldn’t a character he had imagined to be queer be allowed to exist without confirming he was gay? Phil didn’t confirm he, himself, was gay because that was something private and personal to him, and Tyler deserved to have that same dignity dammit. He didn’t want this to be Dumbledor or anything, especially since he had a lot of readers tell him they identified strongly with Tyler. With a long, loud sigh he turned his phone over on to the duvet and buried his face into one of the pillows on the bed. He breathed in deeply and then breathed out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

He didn’t know how long he laid there like that, trying to clear his mind but when he finally raised his head, his eyes kind of hurt when he looked towards the window and directly into the light. He turned his phone back over and saw the missed calls from both Martyn and his manager. He decided Martyn was the lesser of two evils and called him back, laying his head back down .

“Yo,” Martyn said and Phil could visualize him so clearly from years of idolization when he was younger, Martyn’s  head cocked to the side, phone squeezed between it and his shoulder. 

“Yo stopped being a cool greeting in like ‘99,” Phil teased, his voice a little muffled as he didn’t lift his head up.

“How would you know you fetus,” Martyn teased back. There was a noticeable pause before Martyn spoke again. “How are you doing?”

Phil groaned into the phone. “I’m taking a break from Twitter for a minute. A few days maybe.”

“I’m sorry Phil,” Martyn said, his voice sympathetic, but not pitying. “It sucks what they’re saying.”

“I’ve seen a lot of positive stuff too,” Phil reminded, his voice falsely calm. Sure they’re was a lot of positivity surrounding the very idea of Tyler being gay, it’s not like Phil had hid the fact Tyler was queer. He just...had never said it out loud. He didn’t want to make it implicit because what would that say about him. Everyone would know and then they would butt into his private life like when he had been in university and-

“Martyn, I’ve never even said Tyler was gay. I mean, he is, but I never said so! I shouldn’t have to, but Dan said something in a liveshow and now everyone is talking about it like I did something dirty and shameful by writing him that way. He’s _one_ character in a cast of diverse characters and he’s gay and happy! Is that such a big fucking deal-,” Phil started to rant, feeling the memories of his past collide with the present. 

“Hey, hey,” he heard Martyn cut in over the phone. “Take a deep breath Phil. It’s...this will pass. I promise.”

In. 

Out.

In.

“What if it doesn’t,” Phil asked, his voice sounding to him like a firework on an unexpected night. “What if I have to...I don’t want to… .”

Phil didn’t know how to articulate what he wanted. He really hoped Martyn took him stumbling over his words to mean ‘ _Martyn, I don’t want to have to come out. I don’t want the speculation anytime I have a friend. I don’t want to have something private on display. How come if I have a significant other, it’s something to gawk at but other people can have a boyfriend without people losing their shit?_ _How come having one gay character is enough for people to boycott his book but the copious amounts of death in there wasn’t? Is being gay really worse than being dead?’_ He knows that the internet, the Youtube community in particular, is a more accepting place than it was in 2009 when he first started, but then he thinks of cuckcrusher on Twitter and the other hundreds of messages just like theirs and feels so. Small. 

“I know you don’t,” Martyn says and Phil feels a rush of affection so deep for his brother who just understands what he meant. “But Phil… would it be the worst thing?”

Phil thought about it for a moment. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Think on it. You… you have a platform that lots of people would kill to have. You could really help a lot of people.”

“Sometimes I wish I had a normal life.”

“Normalness leads to sadness,” Martyn said, causing Phil to burst into laughter at his own catchphrase being thrown into his face. 

“Yeah, someone really wise said that. Handsome too.”

“I hear he’s very humble,” Martyn said with a laugh and for a moment Phil thought everything was okay.

 

_-_-_-_

 

A few days later, Phil still hadn’t called his manager or checked Twitter. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He did, but in the back of his head, like a throbbing headache was Martyn telling him to think on it, so he did. He thought on it as he worked and struggled with Tyler’s storyline, he thought on it as he took a shower, he thought about it as he went to the toilet. It was all he thought about and he still didn’t have an answer about what he wanted to do. So instead of calling his manager and having that hard conversation, he had spent two days holed up in his room, watching the cursor mock him, blinking every second that he wasn’t typing. 

He read back over what he had written this morning, frowning at the paragraph. Lately, whenever he had been writing (which wasn’t as often as his editor would like if he was being completely honest, but the past few days had proven to catch his up to the schedule they had put together), he tried to keep in mind that he has a show now and it might get renewed after this season aired. His writing needed to both engage the reader of the book and somehow be enough that, if the series is renewed, would translate well to the television screen. The bright side was that it had made him more critical of his writing, made him keep pushing and trying to make it the best, but he understood now why it took George R. R. Martin so long to write his books, he thought as he erased the last paragraph he had written.  He shut his laptop before guiltily reopening it, remembering how yesterday he had finally broken his vow of solitude to go with Dan down to Dublin since Dan had had the day off from filming. 

They had popped in and out of the shops before going on a whiskey tasting. 

“ _It’s the closest I can get you to a margarita tour here_ ,” Dan had said with a shrug and slightly guilty-nervous look that Phil would do anything to make disappear. Dan’s face shouldn’t have made that face; it should have been smiling big enough for dimples and so his rosy patch, that Phil dreamed about pressing a thumb against, would appear. Phil didn’t press his thumb against the rosy patch, instead he pulled Dan into a short side hug.

It had been a great day; Phil had left the last distillery a little tipsy and when they returned to the bed and breakfast last night, they had stayed up talking for what seemed like hours, but everytime they checked the time, it kept saying it had only been ten minutes. Dan had drank more than Phil, taking Phil’s leftovers whenever Phil winced and was unable to finish the small sips. Dan had actually felt comfortable enough to get on Phil’s bed and lay there, giggling every so often as he koala’d a pillow. Phil had wished he hadn’t been tipsy so he could have written about how divine Dan had looked lounging in skinnies and a Tokyo Ghoul shirt, laughing as he clutched a pillow to his chest. But that had been hours ago, before Dan had sat up and said he needed to go to sleep so he could sober up before filming, stumbling back to his room with the now not-green Robert. 

Phil wished he had been brave enough to ask him to stay and lay with him. But he didn’t want to make it weird; he was respecting Dan’s boundaries. 

Hours later from when Phil had woken up a little hungover and alone, it didn’t mean he wasn’t disappointed that all he had heard from Dan today had been a text teasing him about cutting his hair because “mate, you brought it up five times last night alone”. Phil looked at the text before opening Snapchat. He pushed his hair back in a lazy quiff, trying to make it look like it did when he first woke up in the morning. He snapped the picture and sent it to Dan with a few question marks which he hoped Dan took as “ _what do you think_ ” and not “ _i just woke up_ ”. 

Phil wasn’t expecting an answer soon. Stella was pretty strict about not having phones on during filming after one of the sound techs had forgotten to turn his off and it went off and ruined a good half hour of filming at the height of an emotional scene. Even Phil wasn’t allowed to have his phone on if he was on set observing. 

In between him messaging Dan and Dan responding, Phil managed to write three pages that felt like he was pulling teeth compared to the past four days where everything came easier. He wished he could say he didn’t check his phone too often, but between Martyn, his mum, and his manager messaging him and the ever piling Twitter mentions, it was hard to ignore the message he was waiting on the most. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to other people, he wanted to hear (well, read) Dan’s approval that he craved. Phil wasn’t even sure when he had started to crave Dan’s approval, but he knew it was early on into their friendship. He felt pretty positive Dan felt the same about wanting Phil’s approval, if the way he would look at Phil first after he did a scene said anything. Not look at Stella, not look at anyone else first, always sought Phil’s eyes first as if to say ‘ _did you see that Phil? Did you see how amazing and bright I am?_ ’ Well, maybe not that last sentence, but that’s what Phil thought of the other. Amazing and talented and bright, like a candle with the best kind of smell that you could only get seasonally and saved for last because of how special it was. 

Phil was jolted out of his headspace by the sound of his phone buzzing across his nightstand. He was tempted to ignore it, sure it was another frantic text from his manager asking how he wanted to handle the Tyler situation (which he still didn’t have an answer to that didn’t throw Dan completely under the bus). He flipped the phone over and opened up Snapchat, where Dan had responded.

In. 

Out. 

Phil took a deep breath and opened up the photo message from Dan. Dan’s hair was curly, something he had slowly been embracing the longer he was on set and the summer sun caused it to curl up by midday anyway, and pushed upwards in the worst quiff he had ever seen. 

 _‘looks like you’ll have to quiff for both of us : (’_ was typed across Dan’s picture. Phil took a screenshot, for blackmail purposes, and sent back a photo of his mismatched socks (one black, one neon green) with a simple ‘ _maybe_ ’. That would be such a huge change.

In.

Out.

In.

 

-_-_-

 

“Phil, you can’t keep ignoring me,” his voicemail rang through his ears as he stared up at the ceiling. “You have to answer this eventually. Please call me back or I will fly there.”

Phil let his phone lean against his ear as he breathed.

In.

Out. 

In.

Out.

 

-_-_-

 

“Dan, I don’t know what to do,” Phil finally said on day six of ignoring his manager. He was sitting on his bed and Dan was laying down next to him, not close enough to feel him, but close enough that if Phil moved his fingers, he would be touching Dan’s curly hair, still sticky looking with hairspray from the set. He’s not sure if the day of the whiskey tour, where Dan lay in his bed for a few hours, showed Dan he didn’t mind or what, but the past few times Dan had come to his room, he hadn’t sat on the floor and had taken a spot next to Phil that felt natural and _right_. 

“ ‘bout what,” Dan asked sleepily, waking up from his dozing. Phil almost felt guilty except he desperately wanted advice, even if it was coming from someone with no media training. Maybe Phil needed to stop being so safe? He didn’t know anymore. Phil fidgetted, his fingers tapping on his thighs as he thought of a way to explain his dilemma. 

“I don’t know what to do about TylerGate,” Phil finally said.

“Mate, you’re giving it a lot of credit there,” Dan said, stretching his body minutely like a cat that’s curled up might, tucking into himself before tensing and releasing. The stretch moved Dan’s head closer to Phil’s hand and he was aware how much he wanted to run his hand through those curls. He almost did except he had to remind himself that friends don’t do that, even best friends. Phil scooted down the bed until he was lying down too, his hands now far away from Dan’s tempting hair and looking into Dan’s warm, sleepy eyes. “I would call it a minor bump in popularity. It’s not like...you know… Tyler wasn’t always queer coded.”

“He’s gay,” Phil says and the silence that follows is defeaning. “He’s gay.”

“Okay,” Dan says like it’s the most simple thing in the world, reaching a hand out and rubbing Phil’s bicep. “And why is that a bad thing to talk about?”

“Because...because I’ve always talked about how _similar_ we are,” Phil whispers, looking into Dan’s eyes. “I don’t...I don’t want to have to come out. I’m out to the people who matter, why do I need to make my private life so… so accessible?”

Dan was quiet. Too quiet. Like Phil was convinced he wasn’t breathing as his eyes traced over Phil’s face until he finally he smiled softly at Phil and squeezed his bicep. “Thank you for telling me.”

“I wasn’t...I wasn’t trying to hide it,” Phil said, a little embarrassed and tense until Dan continued to rub his bicep. Phil felt himself relax and let his eyes slip shut. He didn’t want to move from this spot, from this room, and face the real world. 

“It’s okay if you were trying to,” Dan said, his voice soft. “Coming out isn’t… It’s not an obligation Phil. It’s for when you’re comfortable with the person and ready to do it. I’m just-.Thank you for feeling comfortable with telling me.”

“Thank you for listening,” Phil said before sighing. “But what do you think I should do?”

“Do you want my honest opinion,” Dan asked, his hand pausing again.

“Yes,” Phil replied without any hesitation.  

“Let Tyler be gay, but don’t come out if you’re not comfortable doing it. Focus on all the other reasons you and Tyler are similar,” Dan said, like it was the easiest solution in the world. Phil felt his stomach turn at that, not because it wasn’t a good idea, but because it didn’t feel. Right. It felt like he was being inauthentic and lying by omission to his audience. Which, he had been for years, but never after directly comparing himself to a gay character and then ignoring the implcations of that.

“I’ll think about it,” Phil said instead, trying to ignore his phone burning in his pocket, with the voicemail from his manager, threatening to fly to Ireland to see him in person if he doesn’t call him back. “Can we just… lay here?”

“Would you lie with me and just forget the world,” Dan echoed, his voice gently mocking as he sang the song _Chasing Cars_.

“Yeah,” Phil said gently, staring into Dan’s eyes, reaching out his hand, his pinkie gently touching against the hand Dan had laid in between them.

“Yeah,” Dan breathed out, his eyes closing as he laid his hand more firmly over Phil’s hand. “We can do that.”

 

_-_-_

 

“Phil,” his manager’s cold tone greeted him the next day as he finally called. Normally Dennis was a pretty calm individual, at least to Phil, but in Phil’s defense he doesn’t usually do anything to warrant Dennis to act like this. The perks of being an introvert, Phil thought as the silence stretched on, is that he didn’t leave his house to do anything to damage him image. 

“Hey,” Phil said, suddenly nervous now that he heard Dennis’ voice on the other line. He had been hyping himself up to call him for nearly an hour, naively hoping Dennis wouldn’t be this angry.

“Hey,” Dennis echoed, his tone flat before shifting into annoyance. “Hey. You call me after a week of a Twitter shitstorm and the first thing you say is hey. Oh, well that’s good, glad you’re in a good mood for a chat. Do you know how worried I’ve been? You _refusing_ to call me means I can’t do my job and this isn’t the time for you to go radio silent for a week Phil. You’re on track for writing your book, you’ve been posting regular content, you’re doing good and this… this scandal could really bring a drop in your popularity if you don’t address it and-”

Phil froze and before his brain could catch up with his mouth, he blurted out the decision he had been wrestling with for days, finally coming to a decision that morning. “I think I want to come out.”

In. 

Out.

In.

Out.

Silence, except for them breathing on the phone line. Phil was convinced that if a pin dropped at this moment, it would have the effect of a nuclear bomb.

“Oh,” Dennis finally says, coughing. He hears the click of Dennis’ laptop start up, a familiar, soothing sound that meant he was typing as they were talking, probably coming up with a plan. “That uh. That changes a few plans. A lot of plans actually.”

He wasn’t trying to talk Phil out of it; he wasn’t saying much of anything about his decision which Phil was thankful for, because honestly it was a solid 70/30 on coming out. He was nervous about it, especially since he didn’t know how he wanted to do it.

“Do you know how you want to come out,” Dennis finally asked, the typing pausing as he waited for Phil’s answer. Phil just let out a groan.

“No. Can’t I just film myself opening a closet door and saying “I’m gay”,” Phil asked, being facetious. Dennis laughed at him, his typing resuming.

“No, sorry,” Dennis said. “I mean you could, but I think your viewers would take it as a joke or like you were making fun of the community. Besides, with your platform, you could really do something meaningful.”

"I can tell you called Martyn,” Phil said, a fond smile creeping over his lips, thinking of the similarities of them talking about his platform. He knew he had a platform, an amazing one, that had reach across the globe with fans that looked up to him. He may not have toured but he also didn’t hide underneath a rock (well, he didn’t hide completely under the rock). Knowing that, that he had people who looked up to him and supported him, even during times when he wasn’t posting as regularly during crunch times of him writing. “He said the same thing.”

“I was worried,” Dennis said offhandedly. “Want some time to think on it? You don’t have to come out like...immediately. But give yourself a few weeks. Really think it over?”

“What about Twitter? What should I do about that?”

“You can choose to answer a few select Tweets that we screen together if you want,” Dennis suggested. “Or not. You can keep things vague since Tyler hasn’t come out in the book and may not ever, right?”

“Right,” Phil confirmed. Dennis wasn’t his editor but Phil kept him in the loop on what he was writing in case his laptop was ever hacked and he needed to have sites pulled down to avoid spoilers that Phil himself didn’t tease.  “I like that idea. When do you want to do it?”

“How about later on tonight? I need to do a few things to prep for you coming out. Not too many big interviews coming up, but you do have that one for British content creators and if you’re out and don’t want to have the focus be on your sexualitiy, I’m going to have to write that into your brief for them,” Dennis explained. “Of course, you may not be out by then, but just in case.”

“Thank you Dennis,” Phil said. “I...I’m sorry I never called, I should have.”  
  
“You should have,” Dennis agreed with him,”but I understand why you didn’t. Just don’t do this again if you get a boyfriend.”   
  
Phil felt himself flush bright red, an image of Dan’s face popping up in his mind before he felt guilty. Dan and him were friends, he couldn’t just push his feelings on to the other boy. “I...you don’t have to worry about that yet.”

“Thank you. Okay Phil, I’ll call you a little later and we’ll go through your mentions, okay?”

“Okay. Bye Dennis.”

“Bye Phil,” Dennis said, hint of his usual good cheer back in his voice. 

Phil let out the deep breath he had been holding in the whole conversation, laying back on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. He unlocked his phone and sent a text to Dan asking if he wanted to come over and watch a movie with him. A few minutes later he got an affirmative and Phil felt like everything was okay in his world.

 

-_-_-_

 

Filming ended about a month later.

Phil still wasn’t out by the time he returned home. 

 

-_-_-_

 

It was weird being home in a way: not being surrounded by people all the time, not having Stella and Dan constantly in his space, having the option to eat something that didn’t come off of a food truck. He spent the first week back home holed up in his flat, occasionally messaging his mum, Martyn, Dan, and Dennis but for the most part going on a boycott of social interaction and catching up on all the video games he could. But after that week of bliss, Phil decided it was time to knuckle down and start trying to film his coming out video. He spent a few days writing the main points that he wanted to touch on: being gay, how he realized he was gay, coming out, dating in university. You would think that for something he had been working on for days, even in his sleep would be easy to film but he kept flubbing it.

“Keep it lowkey,” Phil muttered as he took a sip out of his vase. It was the fifthteenth take he had done of this intro shot and he was starting to get full of water. He just wasn’t hitting the right tone in the parts that followed so by redoing the intro, he kept feeling centered (well, as centered as he could feel, doing the most important video of his life so far). It all kept coming out too serious, too formal, not him. He sighed, fixing a splinge that had appeared in the past few minutes, as he looked into the camera one more time before groaning as his phone went off. 

His frustration turned into a grin as he saw it was a Snapchat from Dan, who was still in England visiting his family down south. He opened the Snap greedily, cooing as he saw a picture of Dan and Colin snuggling, resisting the urge to screenshot it. He opened up the reply screen and sent Dan a picture of the camera in front of him with a few frowny faces to let him know the filming wasn’t going it’s best. He sighed, putting his phone on silent, before looking back into the camera.

“Keep it lowkey,” Phil repeated, taking another drink of water. “I have something to tell you guys… .”


	8. let’s stay immature and let's not ever stray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> london shenanigans and we learn the meaning of 'oh'

[ _ Video opens up to a shot of Phil Lester sitting in an area familiar to most of his audience. A blue, green, and purple checkered duvet cover from IKEA sits prominently under Phil where he’s sitting cross legged on the bed. He’s wearing a black tee-shirt with the word VIBES written on it in multiple, rainbow colors. In his hand in a giant clear vase filled with water that he takes a giant sip out of before messing with his fringe on the camera, fixing a gap in his hair. _

_ “Keep it lowkey,” Phil mutters into his lap before there is a screen cut to Phil facing the camera face on.  _

_ “So there’s something quite big that I’ve been meaning to tell you guys,” Phil starts, before closing his eyes and pointing to his hair, dramatic background music starting to play in the background. “This isn’t my natural hair color! I’ve been dying it since I was about 15 and it’s kind of mousy brown but it goes really ginger in the sun and I prefer it to look dark. There, it’s out there. Are you happy?” _

_ Phil take a moment to pant dramatically since he had started speaking faster and faster during his explanation before looking back into the camera. _ ]

“Oh, there is something else. I’m gay,” Phil giggles giddily, as Dan pauses the video, a proud smile growing across his face ashe laid on his mum’s guest room bed. He had watched the video about (a minimum of)  twenty times since Phil had uploaded it a week ago; the day Phil released it, he watched it five times alone. It’s not because he was blown away by the news; he knew Phil was gay, Phil had told him personally. But he was in awe of how  _ personal _ Phil had gotten in the video after nearly twelve years of being on YouTube and being on BBC radio, after keeping everything surface level and light. For Phil, this was the equivalent of taking out a billboard and announcing it. It was so close to how Phil would talk in real life, so  _ authentic _ and that’s what drew Dan to it. 

Dan knew how hard Phil had been working on this video, so to see it doing so well and being so successful, it made Dan’s heart swell. Phil had started writing down major bullet points of his “script” when they had still been in Ireland, wanting to have input from Dan when he had written it since “ _ you’re a viewer, what would you want to hear me say about it _ ?”. Dan tried not to feel too special, but it was nice, the nights they had stayed up late in Ireland, sat next to each other on Phil’s bed, looking over his shoulder occasionally when Phil asked for his opinion. Dan tried not to put too much of his fingerprints all over what Phil was doing, figuring if he ever made a coming out video (god, imagine being famous enough to feel compelled to do that, Dan thought with an empathetic shudder) it would be a lot different than what Phil did. Not less, not more, just different. 

He would definitely use rainbow lighting, Dan thought as he resumed play on Phil’s video to listen to his voice, his thoughts drifting back to the past few months.

The rest of the time in Ireland, beyond being a sounding board for Phil’s writing, had been spent in a haze of filming and the occasional day off where Dan and Phil would explore some of the nearby castles and taking in one of the James Joyce tours in Dublin. 

Dan was pulled out of his memories by the Skype app on his phone going off, yelping at the unexpected sound that went through his headphones. His pain ended early when he saw who was calling and scrambled to accept the call, beaming as Phil’s face slowly filled his screen. 

“Hello,” Dan said, trying to keep his voice down. It was eleven at night and while his mum was understanding, he didn’t want to do anything to get on her final nerve whilst he was staying with her. Instead of moving back to America at the end of filming  _ Ghostly Things _ , his mum and him had talked about him moving back home instead. It wasn’t his childhood home or even his grandma’s house, but it felt more like home than living in someone’s closet. 

“Hi,” Phil said, his tone soft but tired. He was laying on his side, half his face obscured by a checkered pillow that Dan recognized from years of watching Phil’ videos. He didn’t say anything else, just kept his eyes on Dan as his eyes slipped to half-open. 

“You okay,” Dan asked after a minute of silence, as he got more comfortable on his bed. 

“Yeah, just tired. I’ve had so many news outlets call me today instead of my manager.”

“Well, look at you Mr. Popular,” Dan teased, trying to lighten Phil’s mood. Phil gave a weak smile before shutting his eyes firmly and taking in a shuddering breath.

“I just want it to stop,” Phil finally whispered. “All I did was come out. This isn’t 2013, I’m not Troye or Tom Daley coming out. It’s not-”

“Hey, hey,” Dan said, keeping his voice as calm and soft as he could to avoid getting Phil more worked up.  “What you did was very brave and everyone is so,  _ so _ proud of you. But I’m sorry that you’re being harassed about it. It’s not fair and I’m sorry.”

Phil slowly opened his eyes and his breathing was a little clamer. “It’s just, it’s just so quiet here and I think it’s making me get in my own head.”

Dan felt that, getting lost in his own head. Even living in the same house as his mum again, she was doing her best (and exceeding) at trying to “give him the space he deserved as an adult”, but at times it made him feel lonely, especially after being as close knit as he had been with the people on set. Being lost in his own head meant that he spent a lot of it missing how close he had been to Phil. 

“I miss...exploring… with you,” Phil whispered, looking at Dan. Dan felt flayed raw under the stare, felt his naked chest start to grow warm. He wanted to reach through the screen and be on the receiving end of one of Phil’s hugs, feel safe wrapped up in the other’s arms like he had the last hug at the airport. 

“We can do that. Exploring,” Dan clarified. “I haven’t seen London in a few years.”

“Yeah,” Phil asked.

“Yeah,” Dan reassured him. 

 

-_-_-_-

 

Dan had planned on buying a train ticket the next morning, with no return date. This was before his nan had insisted he stay in town long enough to have tea with her, Popsie, and his mum which rolled into staying for dinner, and by then he didn’t want to get into London too late so he decided to leave the next morning instead. He texted Phil with the news and got a string of alien head emojis in response. 

But now, as he was standing at the entrance to Westminster Bridge waiting for Phil to meet him there at stupid in the morning (although really 10 am wasn’t that bad), he regretted not coming the day before so he could have stayed with Phil instead of taking the early train.. Phil had promised him coffee and a “walk” (more like three hours of exercise before brunch) along the Thames to begin their “day of fun”. Dan wished he could say he was coherent but he was leaning against a giant post, watching as some joggers ran back and forth across the bridge.

He was so focused, he didn’t notice Phil sneak up on him, but put on a well practiced poker face (thanks year of repressed bullying) as Phil tried to jump scare him. 

“It’s never fun to try and scare you,” Phil said with a pout, handing over Dan’s coffee after witnessing the grabby hands Dan was making. “You never react.” 

Dan took a sip and groaned quietly, happy at the warm caramel taste that went over his tongue, frowning at Phil’s whining.

“Have you tried being scarier Phil,” Dan asked, blinking at the other innocently. He grasped his coffee desperately as Phil joustled his shoulder in retaliation. “Prick.”

“Yes, but I’m the prick who is going to show you around London, so be nice,” Phil responded before starting to walk across the Westminster Bridge. “Come along Howell.”

“Of course Lester,” Dan said, his voice sounding impossibly fond even to his own ears. As they crossed over the bridges above the Thames, Phil mixed in a few real facts about the bridges with fake ones (Dan knew with utmost certainty that aliens did not construct the original London Bridge, thank you Phil). They paused on the Millennium Bridge when the to take pictures, both selfies that would never see the light of day and a few that Dan considered to be Instagram worthy, with the pink and soft yellow hues settling beautifully against Phil’s pale skin. 

At the end of the bridge walk, they ended up going to Borough Market and forgoing a sit-down brunch for fresh baked pastries and fruit that they ate on a bench nearby. They people watched as they ate, making up stories and characters of the people that walked by.

“See, that’s Becky and Jessica,” Dan explained as he pointed at two girls walking by with extremely similar short brown haircuts and cardigans (one in a gray cardigan and the other in a pink one). The one in the pink cardigan was talking a mile a minute, her hands moving and gesticulating dramatically while the one in the gray walked a half step behind her, a little more subdued. “Jessica is the one in the pink and she isn’t very nice to Becky. Becky is waiting for the opportunity to kill her as revenge for the years of mental abuse.”

“That went to a dark place Howell,” Phil said, a bit of pastry cream sticking to the left side of his mouth. Dan smiled sweetly at him, before crossing his eyes to make a demented face, causing Phil to tilt his head back laughing. Dan loved hearing that sound, loved knowing that he made Phil do that, because it was confirmation that Phil liked him, enjoyed being around him. 

After their brunch was over, Phil helped Dan off the bench and beamed at him.

“C’mon, time for the Natural History Museum,” Phil exclaimed, sounding excited, giving Dan’s hand a squeeze before turning to flag down a taxi. 

Dan felt his heart flutter up somewhere near his throat when his hand was squeezed.  That feeling didn’t go away during the cab ride as Phil would turn and gesticulate at Dan, his excitement oozing from his body. His knee would occasionally swing out and bump against Dan’s to get his full attention.

Like he doesn’t already have it, Dan thought idly as he listened to Phil tell him about the huge whale skeleton on display. Phil always had managed to catch Dan’s attention, even when he didn’t know Dan at all. There had always been something magnetic about his smile that would cheer Dan up on his worst days, the kind of days where he would lay under his comforter and listen to Phil in his headphones until he went to sleep, assured that there was some sort of… good? kindness? hope? safety? in the world.  Actually  _ knowing _ Phil just made that feeling so much stronger, like being young and at his Nan’s house with his Winnie the Pooh night light on. 

“Dan,” Phil’s voice cut in with a gentle shove at his shoulder. “You weren’t listening.”

“Whale,” Dan replied, before feeling his face go red. “You were talking about the whale.”

“That was a few animals ago,” Phil said with a nervous laugh, before he looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

Dan felt a pang of guilt go through his chest. Phil had worked so hard to plan a day of fun and Dan was ruining it by being mopey. “I want to go.”

“You sure? I know it’s not like, an emo rave- .” 

“That sounds loud,” Dan interjected.

“-but it’s actually one of my favorite places to go with friends,” Phil finished. “There’s something about all the animals and facts that are just. Soothing.”

“A reason you were a weird kid,” Dan said with a wry smile, remembering one of Phil’s privated videos in the series that had Phil explaining he was a weird kid because there were a lot of times he would tune out of a conversation and come back reciting animal facts that had nothing to do with the conversation. “Show me the animals you nerd.”

“Oi, I’m being bullied,” Phil joked, but the hunch in his shoulders had disappeared and he looked excited again. 

“I would never,” Dan said, putting on his poshest accent to make Phil laugh. 

“You would never my ass,” Phil said, causing Dan to dramatically gasp at the curse word.

“We’re here,” the cab driver said, relief evident in his voice. 

The men thanked him and Phil reached into his pocket for his wallet, batting away Dan’s attempt to pay since he was the one who insisted on taking a cab in the first place. Dan vowed that later that day he would pay for something in return, even if it was just another coffee run. 

 

-_-_-_-

 

After meandering through the museum for hours, most of which Dan spent being dragged from fossil to fossil by an excited Phil who insisted on reading out the interesting tidbits to Dan. Dan tried his best to pay attention, but spent most of the visit being hyper aware of every touch between them: shoulder bumps, fingers brushing, a hand around his wrist to drag him to another fossil. Dan would get a handle on his heart and then Phil would do something else endearing. The one part Dan had seemed to focus on was the Museum of the Moon where everything was dark and peaceful and Dan stared at the moon hanging in the middle of the room while Phil breathed quietly next to him.

Now they were waiting in a busy line near Trafalgar Square (where Phil had been yelled at for climbing on one of the majestic lions) for what Phil would only call a surprise. Dan spent the time they were waiting trying to wheedle information out of Phil of what the activity was.

“Are we meeting Benedict Cumberbatch,” Dan asked, his suggestions getting more and more outrageous the longer they waited.

“We were going to until you started asking so many annoying questions,” Phil said, flicking Dan in the ear. “Just enjoy the scenery Danny Boy.”

Dan hated that nickname, memories of a drunk tech person serenading him with the song popping into his head. He frowned and took in an exagerated deep breath. “Mmmmm, smog.”

“Prick.”

“Pillock,” Dan shot back as a grinding sound occured in front of them on the street. It was a red double decker bus. Dan straightened up and looked at Phil. “Is this it?”

“Mhmmm,” Phil said, practically vibrating in excitement. “You need to close your eyes getting up though. It’s uh, good luck.”

“Mhmm,” Dan hummed, a tone of disbelief he didn’t bother to hide shining through. But as the queue moved, he shut his eyes, hoping that if he was in mortal peril, Phil would help him up the stairs. He stumbled on the first stair until he reached out for the hand rail and then he slowly walked up the remaining stairs (much to the annoyance of the lady behind him if her huffs were anything to go by). The bus smelled...good, strangely enough. Not like sweat or really any body odor like Dan was expecting. 

“Okay, open them,” Phil said, and when Dan did he gasped. This wasn’t a bus. Well, it wasn’t a normal bus, Dan thought, trying to take in the rose garland wrapped around the perimeter of the bus. There were four tables on the bottom level that Dan could see with a pink tablecloth on each one. There was a large curtained off area in the back near the stairs to go to the upper level.

“Phil, what is this,” Dan asked, his voice excited. He was pretty sure he knew what this was, having spent enough time on the internet. Hell, he’s like 90% sure he showed Phil a video of this when they were in Ireland. 

“Traveling tea.” Phil practically vibrated as he led Dan to the only two person table on the floor. He started to ramble after a moment. “I couldn’t get us anything up top this short notice but is it okay? Oh and I got us the vegan tea. And bubbles. Likely bubbly, not actual bubbles. ”

“Phil, I love it,” Dan said, sliding in towards the window at Phil’s insistence. They were sitting side by side and Dan felt Phil pressed against his side, almost too close. Dan didn’t mind though. He wished they were somewhere a little more private so Dan could pull him into a hug. Not that he was ashamed of wanting to show affection to Phil, but because this felt  _ too much. _ He didn’t want to share those moments of too much with the world, just Phil. But he couldn’t, for so many reasons. 

_ I could change one of those reasons _ , he thought idly before pressing that thought down to enjoy tea with Phil.

 

-_-_-_-

 

Dan couldn’t believe one of the best days of his life was almost over.

After tea, where Dan and Phil had just nibbled on some finger sandwiches, and stared out the window, they had walked around for a bit, going in and out of the shops, before Phil insisted he was somehow hungry again ( _ was this a Northern thing or a doting mom thing, Dan joked _ ) and wanted to go to dinner. 

He was still stuffed from dinner, some Italian restaurant that had vegan pasta options  and the food sat heavy in his stomach as they left the restaurant. Because during dinner, Dan had made a decision as he watched Phil’s eyes light up everytime Dan had cracked a joke or had looked at Dan and truly got him when Dan couldn’t figure out how to articulate a thought. He was going to confess. He was going to tell Phil that he had been slowly falling for him for months. Phil would probably tell him they could remain friends; he was nice like that.  

They had ridden the tube to the Notting Hill station after dinner and walked the five minutes to where a carnival was taking place, bumping into each other’s shoulders and giggling from the amount of wine they had consumed at dinner. The first bottle was something expensive that Phil had decided to order on a lark, the wine going down smooth and easy. It was followed by a cheap bottle that Dan could taste the grittiness in and, judging from Phil’s face, he could too. But, as Dan had learned when he was younger: expensive wine was to enjoy an  _ experience _ , cheap wine was to get  _ drunk _ . 

And drunk (or at least tipsy bravery) is what he needed right now.

They walked through the carnival, getting distracted by the bright lights and booth vendors yelling for people to come try their easily rigged games. They stopped at a few of the booths to try their luck and on one of them, Dan managed to win Phil a gaudy, blue stuffed fish. Phil pouted, but Dan could see the hints of a smile as he pressed his face into the side of the fish. The next booth saw Phil spending twenty pounds to try and win something until he gave up and just begged to buy a Goomba from the guy who was glad to sell it for another fifteen. He presented it to Dan who unashamedly pressed his face into the Goomba and thanked Phil. Phil watched him before giving him a small shove because “there was more to do”.

Dan and Phil were currently waiting in line with groups of tourists and locals for a ferris wheel. Dan couldn’t tell who was which, too high on euphoria and nerves. Phil and him kept leaning into each other in the line and Phil would giggle over something on his phone, showing it to Dan who would join in on the giggling. 

When they finally boarded their carriage, Phil had been pulling up anime memes that made Dan slowly lose it with each mention of an anime waifu or husbando. Dan insisted on being the one who paid for their entrance on to the wheel which started a small disagreement.

“Dan no,” Phil said as they started to hold up the line. 

“Dan yes,” Dan said, digging out his wallet, annoyance starting to color his tone. Dan knew he wasn’t as well off as Phil, but he felt bad that Phil had insisted on paying for everything today under the guise of “ _ showing him around London _ ” or “ _ being a guest _ ”. Sue him if he wanted to try and be useful after getting his Netflix check.

“Dan,” Phil started before the guy running the ferris wheel cut in.

“Look mates, I don’t care who’s paying, just hurry it up,” the guy said in a bored tone as Dan managed to pull out the amount and slap it in the guy’s hand. He shot a triumphant look at Phil before scooting into the tiny carriage, his knees bent aggressively. Phil followed him after a moment and sighed, making sure to jab Dan in the side with one of hi boney elbows. 

“Thank you,” Phil said after a moment as the Ferris wheel went up a spot jerkily. 

“Least I could do,” Dan replied, already feeling his annoyance melt away. Dan felt Phil relax against him and Dan… felt bold. They had been getting closer all day, walking close and talking and Dan. Dan just wanted to hold Phil’s hand, to reassure himself that all of this was real. He put one of his hands between them and nearly jumped in surprise when he felt Phil slowly slot their fingers together. They leaned against each other, watching as the lights became tinier below them and the wind picking up the higher they went. 

It was now or never.

“I...um….I need to tell you something,” Dan whispered when they were finally two cars from the top.

“What’s up,” Phil asked, turning to make eye contact with Dan. Dan felt himself smile, unconsciously squeezing Phil’s fingers in his, as he tried to tone down the nervousness beating in his chest. 

“I think I like you a lot Phil Lester,” Dan whispered, ignoring the way his heart was beating too fast to make eye contact with Phil who was staring at him, his face looking a little red and a little shocked. 

“Oh,” Phil said, laughing the nervous laugh that Dan had gotten used to in Ireland. 

_ Oh _ . 

Dan had messed up. Phil didn’t feel the same and Dan had just ruined the most important friendship in his  _ entire _ life. Dan panicked, laughing nervously because he had been right, and went to pull his hand away until he felt Phil squeezing on to it tight. 

“That wasn’t a bad oh,” Phil said, keeping a hold on Dan's hand as they reached the top of the Ferris wheel. “It wasn’t a bad oh at all Dan.”

Phil leaned in and Dan met him over their clasped hands. 

_ Oh _ .

Dan sighed into the kiss, ignoring the way his lanky body protested at his position, the too small seats reminding him of flying. Or maybe that was the combination of elated happiness and the ferris wheel moving. Either way, Dan felt like he was flying when Phil’s hand came up and tangled in his hair to pull him closer. Dan returned the favor, gently pushing Phil’s fringe out of his face while trying not to pull away from the kiss. They kissed for what felt like forever, but Dan was sure that no matter how many lifetimes that they met, even if this was the only one, he would never have kissed Phil enough.

“Oh,” Dan whispered when they pulled away, about half-way down on the descent. 

“Exactly, oh,” Phil said, smiling at Dan, tongue poking out the side of his mouth. Dan leaned in and kissed him again, wanting to reassure himself that it was real. It felt real, Dan thought, as Phil kissed him back. “Oh means I like you.”

“Oh,” Dan said, staring into Phil’s eyes, hoping he picked up on the meaning.

“Oh,” Phil repeated back. 


	9. it's an obvious secret that's kept by us all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a timeskip but it's giving the people what they want

Posted October 19th 2021, two years after the premier of season one of _Ghostly Things_

 

[ _ Viewers Choose My Outfits Prt. 2, # 16 on Trending _ ]

[ _ Video opens in semi-familiar room to long time followers of AmazingPhil, his living room. While there are many familiar sights (such as a Muse discography poster and a plant in the corner), there are a few newer knicknacks such as a moon lamp and a new couch that no one had seen in previous vlogs or instagram stories. They watch Phil walk to stand in the middle of the room in yellow pajama pants with emoji faces on them and gray shirt with Spyro the dragon on it. His hair is now styled in a quiff, the new normal since his last video two weeks ago.  _

_ “Hey guys,” Phil greets, looking at the camera, his face curling in a fond smile as if greeting an old friend. “As you’ve noticed we’re doing something very different today. I know, I know, too much change in the past month [camera zooms in on a shot of Phil’s now naked forehead as the camera violently shakes, mimicking an earthquake].” _

_ There is a snort from the other side of the camera, a sound that is decidedly not Phil.  _

_ “It was super requested so I’m doing a part two of viewers pick my outfits! I do have some help today with the help of my trusty assistant behind the camera,” Phil continues on, giving a stink eye at whoever was holding the camera. “Dan-snot-on-fire!” _

_ “That’s not my branding anymore,” Dan exclaims off camera as a pen goes flying across the room towards Phil, who yelps and dodges the pen. “Hello guys! You know me as Dan or, if you’ve been tracking me on Twitter, the guy randomly liking outfit choices that you have submitted. I won’t be in the video because I am literally in pajamas, but I will be helping in spirit and sarcastic comments.” _

_ “Dan shortlisted all of the options, so unlike last time, I have no say in what you guys dress me in,” Phil cuts in, “so I’m really hoping he’ll remember to be a nice roommate.” _

_ “Who left their contact case on the tap last night,” Dan’s disembodied voice cuts in over Phil’s plea for mercy. Viewers can watch as Phil’s shoulders start to sink in dramatic defeat. “And left clothes on the bathroom floor?” _

_ “Okay, I guess should ask for you guys to have mercy more than Dan,” Phil jokes. “I just figured since I got the hair upgrade...updo… maybe it’s time to upgrade my fashion choices as well!” _

_ Phil yelps as a second later he is hit in the chest with a lump of clothing, most of the colors on the darker end of the spectrum.  _

_ “Go on, go change, Phil 2.0,” Dan demands as Phil walks to the other side of the room to a glass sliding door. “To the magical changing dimension he goes.” _

_ “This isn’t half bad,” Phil says walking out a jumpcut later. He is wearing ripped black skinny jeans and a black shirt that says ‘Emo Reject’ in sparkly black lettering. Phil still looks a little nervous to be slightly out of his comfort zone., his hand coming in to rest in his pockets so his palms are facing forward  _

_ “Look at that tasty thigh,” Dan says, the camera going closer to Phil’s thigh, zooming in on the gaps that the ripped jeans show. Phil laughs as he listens to Dan continue to hoot and holler of the exposed flesh.  _

_ “I really didn’t think I’d like the ripped jeans. Not a fan of the shirt though,” Phil explains rubbing his hand over the glitter and showing the immediate fall out to the camera lens. He leans over the camera and presumably wipes his hand somewhere on Dan’s body if his screech is anything to go by. _

_ “I have art herpes nowwwww,” Dan wails as Phil pulls his hand back. _

_ “I rate this 2 out of 5 stars,” Phil says as he backs up, laughing. “All the points are carried by the jeans. “ _

_ “That’s fair. Here, while you’re in that, wear this,” Dan says, throwing a shirt not in a package at him. Phil catches it, beaming at the camera at his success, and there is a jump cut to him walking out of the changing area. His hair looks a little mussed from the last time and his cheeks flushed, probably from the changing. He’s now wearing a white jumper that says ‘Sexual Fantasies’ up the arm in red writing.  _

_ “Wowza folks, look at this lad,” Dan says, laughing. “Go on then give us a strut. You’re a Harlequin model, coming to claim your virgin-.” _

_ “Nope, nopity nope,” Phil says, cutting Dan off, but he’s laughing bent in half. “There are babies watching this Dan.” _

_ “Doubtful.” _

_ “No really. A woman just gave birth and she’s watching this video so nothing from the gutter,” Phil says, waggling a finger in Dan’s direction. “Okay, hit me.” _

_ “Okay,” Dan says, his tone going disbelieving. Viewers can see Dan’s hand on this toss as Phil gets pegged with another clear package, this time something green.  _

_ “Bab-babuse,” Phil laughs, collecting the package from the floor where it fell and scurries to the changing area.  A few  moments later, viewers can hear Phil yelling. “ Dan, I can’t wear this.” _

_ “But it was picked out from you by Christine, aka, SimplyNailogical! She said it passed the holo test!” _

_ Phil came out, walking stiffly out from behind the glass door, arms straight at his side as the green material clings to his chest, picking up every piece of lighting in the room and reflecting it back. It looks like a latex, holographic baseball tee and and an uncomfortable one at that.  Viewers can hear a honking laugh from behind the camera that continues through Dan trying to talk. _

_ “Th-that’s uh...bold,” is what  viewers can make out of Dan’s voice before it’s drowned out by laughter again.  _

_ “Daaaaaaan,”  Phil whined, dramatically trying to move his arms up and down, but due to the tightness of the shirt was unable to fully move his arms without exposing some of his stomach before Phil tries to push the material down. The laughter behind the camera can be heard increasing in volume.  _

_ “Strut for us HoloMan,” Dan jokes before zooming in on the material of the holographic shirt. The viewers watch as Phil steps forward, trying to strut but mostly looking like a stiff board awkwardly walking forward instead of a “runway” strut.  _

_ Phil turned side to side to show off the reflectiveness of the outfit at the end of the “runway” (really, a ratty looking rug that ran awkwardly in the middle of the living room floor), and Dan hoots and hollers behind the camera.  _

_ “Yes, blind me, blind me,” Dan says, “woohohoho.” _

_ Phil throws his head back and laughs. He gives another twirl. _

_ “Yassss, give me disco ball realness,” Dan says dramatically, sounding very at home in an episode of RuPaul. There is a moment of Phil awkwardly dancing, an awkward upper body shimmy before he is hit in the chest with another package that was silver. “Okay Phil, this is really going to show your inner self.” _

_ “Okay,” Phil said, his eyes rolling in a way that was softened by a smile on his face. He went to the changing area and came out nearly a minute later wearing a silver trash can costume, worn over the ripped black skinny jeans. Phil had his arms crossed over his chest, which made the silver can shape buldge upwards towards his face, as the camera turned sideways and Dan’s laugh could be heard permeating the air. _

_ “Horrible boy,” Phil exclaims, his eyes dancing as he looked into the sideways camera. “Absolutely horrid.” _

_ “I’m not, I’m not.” Dan gasps in between laughs. “If your audience knew the real you, the man behind the quiff-” _

_ “I would think that I would at least be a recycling bin,” Phil says, his voice very whiny.  _

_ “What, because you’re good for the planet?” Dan asks, his tone incredulous.  _

_ “I’m good for your mom,” Phil shoots back immediately, the kind of quickness you can tell had no thought put into it. _

_ “I...Phil, this is why you’re trash,” Dan says, finally righting the camera angle, zomming in on Phil as the screen goes red around the edges, shaking a little.  _

_ “Dan, what’s next? This outfit is  _ **_rubbish_ ** _ ,” Phil says, pouting in the direction of the camera. Dan groans at the pun as he tosses him the next package, something that is lilac in color. Phil looks at Dan disbelieving.  _

_ “We’ve already done pastel personas,” Phil says, referencing a video posted earlier in the year that Dan appeared in and tried to give Phil a pastel persona based on edits from tumblr.   _

_ “Just try it on Phil. Try new things,” Dan says giggling and Phil pouted at him. _

_ “That’s my line,” Phil said as a link to his merchandise website and some jazz music played in the background for a few moments as a couple pop ups appeared on the video of his merch, including a yellow shirt with the phrase “Try New Things” with a picture of someone attempting to poke a cactus. “Sorry, cheeky spon. But this isn’t new.” _

_ Viewers can hear Dan snort behind the camera and then see the side of his hand doing a “go on” kind of motion. “Go along Philly, go get pastelly. Maybe this time it will change your life.”  _

_ The same jazzy music from before plays as viewers watch the blinds sway and move as Phil gets changed in the closed off area. He emerges from behind the curtain in a lilac crop top that exposes his mid-driff and the happy trail there, paired with the same ripped jeans he had been wearing since the first outfit. The crop top has the word UGH embroidered across the chest in light pink. On Phil’s head is a flower crown made up of small black roses. He pauses outside of the door and hold up a peace sign close to his mouth and says “owo”.  _

_ “Finally living out my pastel, soft boy fantasy,” Phil says, referencing a trend in 2019 of “soft girls” on TikTok.  _

_ “Is it everything you ever wanted Phil?” Dan asks from behind the camera. Phil gives a small spin and shakes his head no.  _

_ “I mean, the crop top is soft, but I don’t think it’s something I would wear outside of the house? But maybe as pajamas,” Phil says as he tries to tug the hem of the crop top down. There is a frown on his face when he realizes that it won’t go any longer. “Maybe not.” _

_ “Have you found a new style Phil? Think you’re going to leave graphic tees behind now,” Dan asks, gently leading Phil into closing remarks.  _

_ “I mean, I guess I like the ripped jeans, but they wouldn’t be for cold weather. Overall I think that I like my style,” Phil says, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “I guess all my change this year went into the quiff, sorry guys. However, if you want to see why that change happened click on the video here [Phil stops to point at a space occupied by a circle of his face] and if you want to see me try more new things, click on the subscribe button below.” _

_ Viewers watch as Phil walks across the room, hand out and waving before the camera lens is swallowed up by Phil’s hand. “Goooood bye.” _

_ The screen goes to a blue screen with a corgi laying on the grass, panting, with link to Phil’s Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube Channel are on the right hand side. There is also a link to his merch shop.  _

_ [10.6k Comments] _

*

Phil used his hands to gently move the camera out of Dan’s hands, setting it down on the small side table next to where Dan was sitting. He turned back to face Dan, a smile on his face and he tried, once more, to tug down the crop top he was wearing.

“That was fun to film,” Dan said as he tugged Phil down on top of him, his hands immediately coming up to rest on Phil’s exposed hips, exposed because of the crop top. 

“You just wanted to watch me change in front of you,” Phil accused, a hand coming up to wrap around the back of Dan’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Phil loves how easily Dan kisses him, feels elated that in the privacy of their apartment he can do that. It’s not that Phil and Dan are ashamed of being out in public; they had this talk before Dan moved in months ago. It’s that they were private people and wanted what went on between the two of that to be that: private. Phil had never flaunted relationships and Dan said he didn’t want to start doing that, so their on screen interactions (which were admittedly few and far in between), consisted of referring to each other as roommates.

Which they were, Phil thought as he slid his tongue over Dan’s bottom lip, with benefits.

A lot of benefits.

Dan’s hands were currently sliding backwards, into the back pockets of his jeans, making Phil giggle at the sensation of Dan’s hands smoothing along his sensitive sides. The giggles turned into moans as Dan gave his ass a squeeze, Phil grinding down in response, making Dan gasp into his mouth. Phil smirked, pulling away from Dan’s lips, feeling cocky as Dan tried to follow him. 

“No fair,” Dan mumbled, low like his displeasure was a secret.

“I’m not fair,” Phil asked, getting up from Dan’s lap in order to kneel in front of Dan’s legs, which opened for him easily. Phil slides his hand up the exposed flesh and leans forward to nip Dan’s thigh where the skin meets the pair of black booty shorts he had been wearing the duration of filming the video. “Do you know how hard it was to focus with your legs out like that.”

“Legs out for the lads,” Dan said, his voice going breathy at the end as Phil bit down on the sensitive flesh again. “My mistake, _ the _ lad.”

“Must be an important lad,” Phil murmured, leaning more to press a kiss to Dan’s stomach, annoyed at the fabric there that prevented him from feeling Dan’s warm skin against his lips. Dan squirmed under his touch, but moved a hand to run it through Phil’s hair, sighing in a way that Phil has learned to associate with “fondness”. 

“The most important,” Dan said, looking down into Phil’s eyes and Phil smiles up at him. Dan leans down and kisses him, a quick peck, before squirming again. “I’m hard.”

“That was sexy,” Phil retorted.

“Well I wasn’t sure if you were aware but having a fit guy kiss your thighs is a turn on.”

“Scientifically proven?”

“Oh very. Published in  _ Sexy Science Weekly _ ,” Dan said flippantly before gasping as Phil pressed a kiss to the center of his soft booty shorts. Dan’s hand tightened in Phil’s hair and Phil let out a soft groan at the feeling. He leaned back down and pressed a longer kiss to the fabric, making Dan groan above him. Phil loved doing this, teasing Dan until he got he got breathy and incoherent (because he liked his boyfriend, he did, but Dan could talk for hours if left alone with Wikipedia and the philosophy side of YouTube long enough). Phil pulled away and gave Dan’s thigh a few gentle taps. “Sit up love.”

Dan raised his hips from the couch and Phil pulled his shorts down to his ankles (that he pressed a kiss to, which  _ shut up Dan, no he does not have a foot fetish _ ), revealing that Dan had gone commando with the booty shorts. Phil laughed and pressed a kiss to the tip of Dan’s half-hard dick, making a face at the slightly bitter taste there. 

“You need to eat more fruit mate,” Phil jokes, running his fingers up and down Dan’s thighs as he leaned back in. He let Dan guide his head, trusting the other not to get too into it that he would hurt Phil by activating his (easily triggered) gag reflex. He felt Dan give a gentle tug on his hair at the comment but then Dan  let out a groan as Phil went down about half way and hollowed out his cheeks to suck. Phil sometimes feels bad that he can’t deep throat like Dan can, but Dan assures him that the enthusiasm “more than makes up for it”. 

Phil brought up one hand and wrapped it around Dan’s dick and slowly pulled back, his hand following the spit trail his mouth created. He went back down and repeated the motion slowly, trying to get himself in the rhythm. It took a few tries to coordinate but between his hand and his mouth, there isn’t a part of Dan’s dick that isn’t being touched. He breaks his mouth away a few minutes later to suck one of Dan’s balls into his mouth, continuing to jerk Dan off, switching between Dan’s balls.

“Fuck Phil,” Dan whined, thrusting into Phil’s hand. Phil looked up and Dan’s head was thrown back against the back of the couch they picked out  _ together _ at IKEA last month. Phil wants to mark his neck, knows he won’t be able to get away with it for much longer when filming for season three starts next month. So he pulls away with a pop, watching as Dan shivers before he stands up.

Dan opened his eyes and stared at him. Beyond the lust, which Phil had memorized over a year and a half of Skype sessions and living together for three months, Phil could see the affection for  _ him  _ there. That feeling made Phil pause and lean in, Dan pulling him in closer as they met in a sloppy kiss. Dan’s hands, which had started off framing Phil’s face during the kiss, moved down to Phil’s belt loops and tugged, pulling away with a huff.

“Out of all the things your emo ass-”

“Hey!”

“-had to keep, you choose skinny jeans.”

“You wear skinny jeans too,” Phil exclaimed, his hands batting Dan’s away so he could pull down his own jeans.

“In this moment I wish you had kept the fringe,” Dan said, which made Phil gasp.

“That’s a lie,” Phil said, searching Dan’s face for reassurance. 

“That’s a lie,” Dan agreed, running a hand through Phil’s fringe as Phil scrambled into his lap. He used his right hand to guide Phil’s face toward his again, while his left hand came down to rub against Phil’s clothed erection. Phil whined into the kiss, rutting forward against Dan’s hand. He felt so good, didn’t want to get up, or move, ever from this moment on the couch with Dan. 

“Shit, we need lube,” Phil mumbled into Dan mouth, ending on a gasp as Dan’s big, warm hand snuck into his boxers and wrapped around Phil’s erection. Phil didn’t know what it was but while Dan could swallow him down, there was something about a hand job from Dan that always felt...nicer? More secure? Maybe it was the teeth that always put Phil off (even though Dan was pretty careful about covering them) from truly enjoying a blowjob. But there was something about this, Dan and him pressed together, sharing air as Dan gave him a wank that made Phil lose his mind.

“No, we don’t,” Dan replied, pulling his hand out of Phil’s pants and presenting it to Phil’s face, palm toward him. “Lick.”

“You’re a heathen,” Phil said with an eye roll as he pursed his lips and relaxed them a few times to try and force himself to drool. When he had produced as much as he could, he grabbed Dan’s wrist and pulled his fingers into his mouth and drooled over the tips of his pointer and middle finger before licking over Dan’s palm.

“I’m sorry  _ someone _ is too lazy to get up and walk the fifty feet to the bedroom to go get the lube,” Dan said, frowning as he examined his fingers and spit on his hand too for good measure. Phil felt a shiver go up his spine at the filthy sound, shivering again when Dan wrapped his hand around him again. He shouldn’t be shivering, he was so warm sitting in Dan’s lap, melting under Dan’s attention.

Phil tilted his head down and buried his head into Dan’s neck, doing his best to breath as Dan slowly worked his now wet hand up and down Phil’s shaft. Instead he was inhaling Dan’s naturally warm scent ( _ shut up, warm was a scent Martyn you can’t make fun of me _ ), mixed in with his body wash. Phil thrust forward when Dan rubbed his thumb against the sensitive underside of Phil’s dick.

“Ah babe, you feeling needy,” Dan teased, his thumb continuing to stroke up and down the vein down there (at least Phil thought there was a vein? He wasn’t in school anymore and sex ed had been questionable at best).  Phil nodded into Dan’s neck and bit down gently, playing dirty with one of Dan’s more sensitive spots, making Dan curse and go back to stroking him with his whole hand. “Just ask, don’t maul me.”

“Sorry,” Phil mumbled before running a tongue over the bite area. “I just got a wee bit excited.”

“A wee bit? Tell that to my poor neck,I look like a leopard.”

“I’m sure you’ll forgive me, you furry,” Phil responded, pulling his face away from Dan’s neck. The fresh air was like an assault, the room temperature like Antarctica compared to the warmth he had been mumbling into.

“Oh, I will, will I?” Dan asked, pausing in his ministrations. Phil whined.

“I believe so,” Phil said before licking his palm dramatically and wiggling it uncomfortably between their bodies. At the first stroke, Dan sighed, his eyes fluttering shut. 

“I might forgive you,” Dan whispered, a smile gracing his face, emboldening Phil to keep stroking. The angle was horrendous but Phil ignored his wrist in order to stroke Dan more, loving the way Dan could only give aborted little thrusts upwards, Phil’s weight keeping Dan in place. “I’d forgive you faster if I came.”

“Heathen,” Phil repeated, his tone sounding fond to his own ears. “Race you?”

“We aren’t fifteen Phil,” Dan whined but, his eyes did narrow into a face Phil recognizes from too many Mario Kart tournaments. His hand started moving against Phil’s erection again and Phil grinned.

They stayed like that, Phil seated on Dan’s thighs, wanking each other and Phil...couldn’t be happier. Not because of the sex. Well, the sex helped. But it was more in the way that Dan was the one he was  _ having sex with _ . Dan was the person he was living with, Dan was the person who would drink 3 am tea with him, Dan was the person who Phil came home too after a bad day and managed to make Phil smile with Dominos and video games. Dan was... Dan was just his person. 

Not in an ownership way, Phil thought on a gasp as Dan leaned in and kissed him, the pressure harsh. Because Dan was his own autonomous person and Phil appreciated that but Phil knew that Dan and him just clicked in a way that was indescribable. Phil tried to call them soulmates once and Dan had laughed because ‘ _ Phil, soulmates don’t exist _ ’, but Phil had seem the smallest smile cross Dan’s face before he had turned back to cooking. He considered it a win. 

Phil wasn’t expecting to orgasm when he did. He had been caught up in his own head, he hadn’t noticed the way his stomach had heated up, how the thrusts on Dan’s dick had become sloppy, stopping altogether as he chased his own pleasure. 

“Dan, Dan, Dan,” he moaned, tipping his head back, bucking into Dan’s hand. He chased his orgasm, feeling a moment of guilt that Dan wasn’t experiencing this as well. But he was shaking so bad as he came, he was genuinely scared he would accidentally hurt Dan under the guise of helping him. Phil took a moment to breathe, enjoying the aftershocks before reaching down and moving Dan’s hand out of the way. 

“I was doing that,” Phil said with a pout. 

“You were slacking on the job, mate,” Dan said, moving his hand away easily. “I figured I’d help you out.”

“I’ll show you helping out,” Phil mumbled, realizing his come back was weak at best but his head was still in the wonderful post orgasm place where everything was warm and fuzzy and his brain felt like it was going to run out of his ears like water. 

That was a terrifying thought, Phil thought as he pressed in closer, kissing Dan,  _ needing _ that connection at this exact minute. His hand sped up, enjoying the way that Dan’s breath was hitching. 

“It’s okay Danny,” Phil whispered in Dan’s ear, “you can let go baby.”

Dan whined, tucking his head into Phil’s neck as he did let go. He came on Phil’s hand, a bit of it splattering on to Phil’s thigh. Phil kissed him through it, Dan not being a big moaner during his orgasms. He mentioned once he loved it when Phil kissed him through them and, whenever they were facing each other, Phil made the effort to kiss him. Dan relaxed, sinking back further into the couch like a puppet with its strings cut and Phil followed, leaning his weight on him and pressing against him. 

“Do you forgive me yet,” Phil teased.. 

“Mate, you do that again, I’ll forgive you the next time you’re a bad flatmate,” Dan mumbled, his eyes closed and his voice sleepy. His breathing was starting to steady out. It was something Phil had found endearing about Dan, how after an orgasm he would get sleepy almost immediately. And cuddly. Phil climbed off Dan and held out a hand at Dan’s displeased little noise.

“Come along. As someone mentioned it’s fifty feet to a big bed.”

“Don’t you have to edit,” Dan asked as he grabbed on to Phil’s hand, using the leverage to stand up. 

“It can wait,” Phil said as he led Dan to their bedroom. Which, really, was the biggest change that’s happened to him over the past two years of knowing Dan: him learning how to say no and set better boundaries between work and… well, having a life. It wasn’t that Phil was becoming lazy; it was the opposite really. He was finally at a place where he wouldn’t just say yes to every opportunity, spreading himself thinner and thinner. His work ethic had actually increased, the quality of his work had increased because he wasn’t spread so thin, his happiness had increased, and the amount of sleep he had had definitely increased. 

Dan smiled at Phil before crawling into bed. Their bed was a work of art, Phil thought as he followed Dan on to the bed, cuddling close to the other. Especially with Dan in it. 

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, i need to thank two people profusely for the amount of editing/hand-holding/sound boarding for this fic: [maybeformepersonally](https://maybeformepersonally.tumblr.com/) and [danhowellz](https://danhowellz.tumblr.com/). They have both been AMAZING people with so much cheerleading and support and literally this fic is here because of them. i'm still nervous af to post this but i don't want their hard work to just sit my google docs 
> 
> second, this is going to be a multi-chaptered fic that I'm hoping will post every saturday/sunday (depending on how my work schedule)! so get ready for a summer of slow burn. SSB? yeah, we'll go with that. 
> 
> third, i was super inspired by phil stating he has a couple ideas he wouldn't mind turning into a book. I took it a step further. if you want another fic in this same vein of writer!phil turning his book into another media, check out [and we're out here in plain sight](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/PEspringficexchange/works/18860218) by liquidsky.


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